Friday, August 21, 2009

The Nigga Novel Review: The Cake Man

Photobucket




Maaaaaaan, I've been wondering for a while, "What could I do to make my blog interesting again? All I've been doing is posting pictures and talk about dumbshit." Well, I was reading a "nigga novel" my mother borrowed from someone called "The Cake Man". When I first read the title, I was thinking "This. . . won't end well."

So, I proceeded to read "the Cake Man" and as I read this book, I thought "Wow, this is fucking terrible. I should blog about this."

Here I am.

Well, as I've mentioned multiple times, the book is called "The Cake Man" by Gregory Dixon. Now, it's about a young man named Chris King. His father, Big George, is a drug dealer. It's a nigga novel, everyone knows there has to be at least two drug dealers in it. So, shit happens and eventually Chris' dad ends up going to jail because a rival dealer snitched on him. This forces him causes him to decide he wants to be a street pharmacist like his dear old dad.

So, there is another character they introduce in the beginning named Ali. He's the guy that snitched on George, so he's easily pushed into the important role of "evil drug dealer villain". What could anyone possibly due to make Ali a more heinous character? I know, let's make him rape a woman ten pages into the book.

Not only does he viciously rape this woman, but it seems that Gregory tried to make it sound erotic, also.

Without further hesitation, he slammed into her with only slight resistance, Yvonne's wet pussy accepted his whole length. The orgasm hit her full strength. She screamed and rocked her body, as the spasms gripped her. Finally, satiated, her body went limp.


In the author and poor Yvonne's defense, she was drugged up all the way. However, the point of writing a rape scene is not to make it sound less rape-y. Oh, but Ali sure gets his comeuppance ten pages later. The author gives him a piece of his mind, stating:

Underneath all the bluster and bullshit, he was like any bully and rapist, a coward when it came right down to it, so he'd sold his boys that tough-thug bullshit, which had come back to bite him in the ass.


YEAH, ALI! YOU BIG MEANIE. YOU DOO-DOO HEAD. Seriously, though, I don't write books, but I think it's kind of tasteless to insult your own characters (unless it's in song, like the song from the Grinch). As the author, you should know how to make your characters unlikeable enough that the reader can create their own terrible opinions about a person that's not real.

Wait, I have to talk about one of my favorite parts. Now, young Chris King starts selling drugs because his mom is like "Fuck it, though. Go for it." One night, he's working the block and gets shot at by some niggas, so he flees to a friend of his' house. This is where Jasmine is introduced. She proceeds to help him out, taking care of the cut on his leg that he received from a fence while escaping gunfire. Then, this happened.

My dick started to get hard and, wouldn't you know it, the damned thing popped through the opening in my shorts. Her eyes got big. "Damn, that's a big one. I ain't no virgin or nothing, but I only seen a couple, and they was nowhere near that big." . . . She came around and knelt between my legs. Working the shaft with both hands, she took the crown in her mouth and bobbed her head up and down, sucking gently. It felt like heaven.


That's right, we met the broad two pages ago and she's already sucking the main character's dick. Maybe it's just me, but this shit tripped me the fuck out. Maybe this is Gender and Women's Studies: Women and Race in the Media talking, but the fact that two women (Wait, three. I didn't mention that there was a sex scene between Big George and his wife) were introduced and immediately had a penis inserted into their bodies kind of rings alarms. I'd also like to ask, ladies, if you were helping a man with a leg wound, would you stop in the middle to suck his dick?

I'd also like to add that when the book starts off, he is nineteen years old. Then, at the beginning of chapter four, it says "fourteen months later. . . " and there's a sentence that says "These days, the only way a nineteen-year-old brother with no job. . . ". Why the fuck is he still nineteen?

Back to the story though. So of course Jasmine ends up becoming the love interest. Might I add that she didn't have sex with him for a while, citing the need for it to "be special". I don't see exactly how special sex can be after you just gave a man a blowjob while tending to a gash in his leg. That's some Texts From Last Night shit.

We're also eventually introduced to Vic, Chris' cousin and Chenise, Jasmine's sister. We're introduced to Chenise when Chris gropes her from the back, confusing her for her sister (See? We can't meet a single female in this book without something sexual happening within five pages.) A bunch of shit happens, they rob a truck with medical coke on it or some shit, then they kill some Mexicans in a house to work for kingpin, you know, a bunch of Grand Theft Auto shit. Eventually, due to Chris being a man, he cheats on Jasmine, she gets mad, he has to clear his mind, so what does he do? He goes to Mississippi to see his grandmother on a soul-searching trip.

She tells him some shit about David beating Goliath and becoming king and being greedy, etc. etc. It's unfortunate that he drove to Mississippi from Texas just to hear a bible story he could have read on the internet. Whatever, he comes back to Texas, but of course some shit happened while he was gone.

Ali (the big bully) tried to book Jasmine and failed miserably, leading to a bunch of guns being put in his face. As a result, he contemplates a plan and goes to the guy Vic's club opening. Chenise and Vic have a small argument and Chenise figures she'd get him back by hanging with some random niggas (foreshadowing like a bitch) Ali ends up getting Chenise, confusing her with her sister like Chris did, and proceeds to rape the SHIT out of her. Now, she's in the hospital, Chris comes back, they set up a revenge attack, they attack, no one survives.

But wait, Chris is chilling at home with his mom and Jasmine and then guess who pops up at the door? Ali (fucking coward) and his right-hand man Chino, battle-worn and bruised, armed with guns. So, Ali tells everyone that he's going to rob them and rape Chris' mom in the process. He sends Chino upstairs to get the drugs and money and Jasmine's all like "take me instead" and shit. So, she proceeds to walk in front of Ali and drop her bath robe (in front of Chris' mom, no less) and gets down on her knees. Fortunately, soon as she does, Big George lifts Ali by his neck, which somehow gives Chris the cue to run up and uppercut Ali in the nutsack. Yes, Big George ended up being the deus ex machina, saving everyone from evil Ali. George then proceeds to snap Ali's neck, like a small puppy. Oh, and they blew Chino's brains out when he came down the steps.

No one gets in trouble, no one goes to jail, we're all happy.

I'm not, that book sucked.

10 comments:

S.W. said...

SMFH.

He's raping bitches and they ORGASM?

Fuck the author, fuck this book, fuck the plot, and everything else.

And NO! Im not stopping in the midst of fixing someones wounds to suck anyfuckingthing.

And NO! For all the dense females, you will not get "wifed" or be taken serious if you suck a niggas dick the first 2 pages, or in our life 5 minutes of meeting him, and no you cannot redeem yourself from sucking his dick in the first 5 minutes by not having sex with him for 5 months.

Ignorance is being spread throughout books now. Im not happy about this. At all.

S.W. said...

Oh P.S. WTF does Little Debbie have to do with this book? cake man? They couldnt get creative, not even with the title?

AYO! stephie said...

"fourteen months later. . . " and there's a sentence that says "These days, the only way a nineteen-year-old brother with no job. . . ". Why the fuck is he still nineteen?

LMFAO. This "author" person needs to find another "career" =|

Rogero said...

'Gregory Dixon' has to be a pseudonym. It has to be, I'd expect a name like that to be on the cover of some dead-worded observation about the sexually malfunctioning zeitgeist...or at least some non-fiction drivel about 19th century maritime warfare.

I googled the book cover, If i didn't know better, I'd expect the book to be about urban alienation in 'urban' America; a wry and somewhat patronising novel written by a white guy about black guys...especially with 'Gregory Dixon' at the wheel. O.G. Loc here can't even pen a rape scene with vigour...I'm saddened.

Reggie said...

S MY MOTHERFUCKUNG H!!!
WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Rich...What in the hell?!?

Side note....You gotta send me your email.

[$ H A R O N A] said...

i hate these damn books. and i'm even more mad you sat there and read the shit. lol

Paula said...

lol loved the post- howled with laughter the WHOLE way through... enlightening!

The Notorious Z.A.G. said...

Laughing. My. Mother. Fuckn. Fat. Ass. OFF!!!

I have some books I need you to read...from that bookstore in Eastpoint Mall... The perfect one is Swingers (I bought it being nice since the author was there signing books). The wife...gets her husband...to suck another guys dick.... Nigga Novel!!!!!!! I love it!

Audrey Jazz said...

I just don't like that the main bitch and I share the same name. You could have changed her name for the review...geez.

Briiii_theMoonWillow said...

this book is a sack of shit.

the author is a terrible writer and even worse of a human being. he is not helping our race at all.