Shit I Hate

Jimmy Fallon



HE'S NOT FUCKING FUNNY! HE'S NOT FUNNY! IF YOU THINK HE'S FUNNY, YOU DESERVE TO DIE A SLOW, PAINFUL BLOODY DEATH! I swear to God if I see a clip of him on Saturday Night Live and he looks at the camera and laughs one more time, I'm going to find my way to the Late Night show and kill him. WHY WOULD THEY LET HIM HOST THE LATE NIGHT SHOW AFTER CONAN O' BRIEN!? That's like Yung Berg coming out with a mixtape called "So Far Gone" after Drake. It's so not the same. The Roots band can't help him and I am labeling them sell-outs for getting on a show with this assclown. JESUS CHRIST!

Bluetooth Headsets




I don't hate bluetooth headsets as much as I hate the people who use them. This thing was invented to help make life easier. For example, it's unsafe to drive and talk on the phone at the same time. BAM put your headset in and both hands are free. Perhaps you were having a conversation and you have to lift something or you're doing something that involves both hands. Pop your headset in and go about your day.

But no, being that humankind, especially Americans, are obnoxious douchebags, they decide to accept the bluetooth headset as a sort of status symbol. I hate seeing assholes walking down the street talking to themselves and I'm like "WTF is wrong with this cocksprain?" and they turn to the side and I see a bluetooth headset. Maybe I'm pissed because I'm entertained by the idea of a crazy person then just find out that they're on the phone, but this would be avoided if you just held your phone up to your ear like everyone else. No one thinks you're cool or that you're rich we just think you're an assface.

Swag



My definition of swag:

"To dress in bright colors and other shit that people don't usually wear and when people get on you for your style, you say that they are 'wack' and they are 'haters'".

Like, really, there's no such thing as a swag. Swag doesn't exist. It's the Lil Wayne effect. Lil Wayne constantly called himself the best rapper alive to the point that 95% of his dick riders believe this to be true. Now when you go around saying you have swag, then people might start to believe you.

This phrase--"swag"-- has caused me to use the phrase "swagga on a hundred thousand trillion" that was first said by Kanye West in the song "Swagga Like Us". When I use this phrase, however, I use it for someone that is dressing in a very humorous and abnormal way and I mock the fact that they chose to wear that outfit out of their house by saying "Yo swag on a hundred thousand trillion".

So if I say that about you, it's not a compliment, but you should take it as such to avoid a verbal assault.

Shit I Hate

I had a little thing I used to do for my friends on myspace called "Shit I Hate" which was basically me doing what I do best, which is rant.




I hate when fat chicks wear tight ass shirts with their stomach hanging out the bottom. I do love when people love themselves, but it's another thing to try to force your love for yourself on others. That body is you and your boyfriend/girlfriend's body, not ours. We do not want to see that shit. For real, lady.


I hate that women can straight treat us like shit and we have to be nice. Have you noticed that if a ugly girl takes interest in a guy, he'll let her down easy(unless he's drunk)? You know, he might lie and say he's faithful to his current girlfriend or he's gay or some shit. Women do not have to do this for some odd reason. If a ugly guy tries to holla at them, they start picking on him and burning his self-esteem. There is the little game where they'll start saying:
"Girl, he talking to you!"
"Nuh uh, he talking to you!"
"That's your boyfriend!"
"Yo, she wants to talk to you!"
"Ugh, no I don't!"

This shit happened to me alot in middle school. That's why I'm an asshole now, and for some reason girls want me. Go fucking figure.


I hate the word "hater". It's like what happened with the word "ignorant". No one gave a shit about it, until they heard someone say it, and now they use it all wrong and use it to describe their friends when they are being stupid. Look, there is a difference between being "hated on" and being "hated". You can't say some dude is hating on you because you fucked his girl. He just hates you. He's not jealous that you fucked his girl, he did that, too(hopefully). He just doesn't like you.

I'd also like to add that being "hated on" is the hot shit on myspace, now. It's, like, 15 year old kids with no job and a sidekick their mother paid for talking about having haters. Yo, nobody is hating on you. You are a goddamn baby.



I hate Lil Wayne dick riders. Dick riders are bad, but Lil Wayne's are the worst. They will flame the shit out of you for saying that Lil Wayne is "pretty good". They are in complete denial that Lil Wayne might just not be the best rapper alive and there are way nicer niggas out. I actually got into a semi-argument in school since I think the best rapper alive is Andre 3000. I chose not to entertain their need for an altercation and just said "Look, it's a fact. Just like chlorophyll is the reason leaves are green." I proceeded to make evasive maneuvers while they tried to look up chlorophyll.

I also hate the fact that they are on that line "What's a goon to a goblin". What does that even mean? Most of the motherfuckers that like it couldn't tell a goblin from an orc from an ogre, so what is so riveting about that line?



I hate Karrine Steffans. It's very rare that I dislike a woman this much, but she is a current age Jezebel. I hate the fact that she wrote a book about sucking dick and how much she enjoyed sucking dick (Oh, and she got raped when she was young and had a son with Kool G. Rap. Yeah, I read it. Don't judge me.) and then turn around and say "I'm not famous because I'm a blowjob enthusiast, I'm famous because I'm a best-selling author." No, bitch, you're famous for sucking dick. Now she's making a living off of being a whore. I would say ex-whore, but she still is. She admitted in King magazine that she's currently banging senators and delegates instead of just rappers now. Look at that, she's a slut who used her book for advertisement. I might think she's the sluttiest slut-bag, whore-dog, cock-swallowing, cuntwhistle, bitchskank this side of the equator, but she's damn sure intelligent.


I hate when niggas on myspace trying to promote their music have a broad with a phat-ass for their display picture. It's even worse because you know that guy couldn't bag that chick his self.


I hate when rappers have an album coming out and say "I have something on there for everybody" and then everything is the fucking same.


I hate that Plies is trying to be so hard-body but he's so short. I know I shouldn't crack on him for that, but for real, that nigga's tiny! I'm like 5'7", so I'm not Kevin Garnett or anything, but yo, he's like 4'9"!


That's it. I'm done for now. I'd also like to add that for a movie released in the late 90's, End of Days is pretty good. You know, the joint with Arnold Schwarzenegger fighting the devil and shit?