30 Reasons a Woman Should Get "Chris Browned"

Unfortunately for Chris Brown, the heinous deed he committed a few weeks ago has caused his government name to become a verb that will be synonymous with the severe ass-whoopings of females. Now, while men will be jokingly telling girlfriends and female friends "Chill out before I Chris Brown you", let's look at legitimate reasons for "Chris Browning" your loved one.

1. She ate the last piece of cake.

2. She had sex with your best friend. Twice. While you were downstairs making them both food. Then, skeeting on your pillow and turning it on the other side.

3. She cheated on you. While she was pregnant. Then said "Another man's dick was all near your baby. What you gonna do about it?" FALCON! PAUNCH!

4. She killed your mother.

5. She killed your father.

6. She says your gay for thinking 300 is a "manly movie" because it has a bunch of sweaty men in it. She also says it wasn't that good.

7. She got rid of your porn collection, saying you don't care about her as much as these "porn hos"

8. When her friends ask about you and she says "I love his/her personality. I don't really care about looks."

9. She tries to slide her finger in your butt.

10. She becomes a lesbian and then blames you for it.

11. If she successfully stabs you or shoots you.

12. She breaks your video game system and doesn't pay for a new one.

13. She knows you have a phobia of something so to get you back for something trivial like cheating on her, she, for example, puts a bunch of snakes on you when you're afraid of snakes.

14. She gets you raped.

15. She put a picture of you on the internet when you were drunk involving any of these things:

your anus

your penis

finger painting

a glass bottle

another man

16. You see her in a porno that was filmed recently.

17. She flirts with your dad.

18. She hits you in the testicles. It doesn't matter WHAT they say, if they purposefully cause you testicular harm, that means they opened the cage. You are a Super Saiyan now and they are Frieza.

19. They tossed another man's salad and kissed you in the same day.

20. They fellated another man and kissed you in the same day.

21. She got you sent to jail for no reason. They do that.

22. She tried to reenact the video for "Hit Em Up Style"

23. She tried to reenact the video for "Bust the Windows Out Your Car"

24. She thinks your celebrity crush is ugly

25. She thinks Chipotle burritos are nasty

26. After sex, she says "Your brother was better"

27. She bites your penis. On purpose.

28. She says she "loves you", but refuses to give you oral pleasures.

29. You find out she lied about being a virgin.

30. She thinks video games aren't good Valentine's Day presents

This list was completely tongue-in-cheek. Not all of these are genuine reasons for beating up a woman, but some are. Men know which ones.

Mmm, heartburn

Well, I'm sitting up and it's 2:54 a.m. and my chest has been burning all day. I figured I'd take this time to talk about me and acid reflux disease.

Now, acid reflux feels like. . . hmm. . . let's say someone constantly pouring boiling hot water on the center of your esophagus right about where it turns into your stomach. That shit isn't very pleasant.

I actually had to pause just then to absorb the pain of esophageal heat rape. So, yeah, I took medicine for it, but I haven't renewed my prescription in Flying Spaghetti Monster knows how long. I should probably work on that.

The thing is, this doesn't happen everyday. Hell, I might start getting severe heartburn every month or so, so it rarely crosses my mind until it starts happening. My doctor says if this continues to happen repeatedly, it'll burn a hole in my chest and I'll bleed profusely(D=), so it would behoove me to let my shit heal.

How would I do that without medicine, you ask? Well, one choice is to drink milk. Milk has something in it that coats my esophageal lining, so it helps somewhat. I also have to avoid drinking orange juice and anything else with citric acid in it and avoid eating spicy foods, which is mega gay.

Either way, it takes a few weeks for that shit to adequately heal, so that would be a long time to go without spicy foods. My girlfriend and my best friend(thats Malcolm) freak out and shit when I do stupid shit like drink hot sauce or get extra hots on my subs, but those rarely cause it to act up. While those do contribute a small amount, it may have something to do with some biologic or structural factors that my doctor hasn't found out yet.

I need to set up an appointment for a doctor to look down my throat(No "Pop Champagne" video).