This Would Be Like Letting Lupe Fiasco Give Me Facial Reconstruction

I don't know what level of dick-ridery or loyalty this has to be, but I don't give a shit how cool I think you are, you can't touch my face if you barely have tattoo experience. Apparently, Wayne has approximately two weeks of tattooing experience and Tyga thinks it is a good idea to let him tattoo his face because, I assume, he's his boss. He has three dots which are supposed to mean "laugh, then cry" or some retarded shit. Fuck that.

If I ever get a tattoo, you're going to know exactly what it is. I don't want people asking me what my tattoo means, so nothing in Japanese or some symbol or some other lame trash like that.

The Customer's Always Dumb

Yo, working at Sears has proven to me that not everyone is as smart as I am and it's really disheartening, whether asking stupid questions or doing really dumb shit, customers manage to piss me off.

"Do You Work Here?"

It's amazing how you wear a name tag and lanyard with the word "Sears" all on it and people still manage to assume there's a possibility I might not work there. Apparently they know a lot of teenagers that wear black polos, khakis and steel-toe boots in public.

"Is This Merchandise Pick-Up?"

This really gets on my nerves because we have a lot of old people come in and they seem to try to avoid technology the best they can. We have an electronic kiosk that speaks to people whenever they walk past. It says "Welcome to Merchandise Pick-Up. If you're here to make a pick-up, scan your receipt or swipe your credit card and an associate will be with you shortly". The instructions are also on the screen, but people manage to not see that. Not to mention the machine is extremely loud.

There was one time where a guy actually walked inside of the coat room and I had to stop him to let him know that's definitely not where you pick up your shit.

"My Receipt Won't Scan"

I can understand having problems with this is you're Helen Keller. Not only does the machine tell you wear to scan your receipt, but there's an illustration on the kiosk that shows you where and how. A lot of people figure this out and the receipt won't scan so we take care of it for them. Easy. Then you have the morons who don't have a grasp on modern technology.

One day a guy comes in to make a pick-up on an online order he had. He didn't print out the receipt, so what he tried to do was scan the barcode through his Iphone. He brought up the e-mail with the barcode on it on his Iphone screen and then tried to scan it through. No, really.

"Where Do I Swipe My Credit Card?"

There's a little slit on the side with a wider crevice for you to comfortably stick your credit card in and swipe it down. No one notices that and they constantly slam their credit card in to the side wondering why it doesn't fit. Some even go as far as putting their credit card where you scan your receipt.

"I Didn't Know How Long You Were Going To Be"

Sometimes we get an impatient asshole who can't seem to wait 1-3 minutes to get their shit, so they walk through the employees only doors. It's bad enough they just waltz in like it's cool, but the loss prevention officers, who's door is inside the stock room, don't even stop the motherfuckers. I was helping a woman put her vacuum in her car and a guy that left earlier to get his car was walking out of the stock room with his washer machine on a fucking hand cart. What kind of shit is that?

"Don't I get a coupon?"

On the off days where it takes us over 5 minutes to bring out someone's merchandise, the customer gets a five dollar coupon. Sometimes, we'll attempt to take care of the customer or may have to take them out early and they still think they get a coupon. Once upon a time, one of my co-workers had a pick-up and the guy didn't come back for ten minutes after scanning the receipt. They took him out early, but the guy walks in complaining about where his five dollar coupon is.

"Do You Think It'll Fit If We Take It Out of the Box?"

One of the most plentiful offenses working in Merchandise Pick-Up is people purchasing big huge shit and then coming in a tiny car. you don't buy a 40 inch LCD screen TV and then come to get it in a Toyota Corolla. It just doesn't work that way. Then, they almost always ask if we can take it out of the box. Store policy is that we can't help people if they take their item out of the box. This pisses them off, but it's their fault. Even if you tell them, "No, it still won't fit", they'll insist to try it anyway. It's really a pain in the ass.

Yo, for real

Shut the fuck up. We don't care how much you love still having your hymen intact.



Shut the fuck up. You made me miss Sarah Silverman.

What I thought of the VMAs

There's no way in hell this jumpcunt earned those awards. I've literally never seen the video for Piece of Me in my life, but yet they expect me to believe this broad (who's career is currently in the sewers) managed to have the best video of the year. Man, lick cat nuts.



I'm completely done with Lil Wayne. First this motherfucker starts wearing colored jeans. I was going to do that, and now I can't because then people would start saying I'm trying to be like Lil Wayne. Second, this bastard looked super hipster when he was performing with Kid Rock. Colored pants? A fedora? A plaid vest? Supras? Finally, he has a fucking piercing. Right there. Under his mouth. If he doesn't want us to think he might be a little fruity, then maybe he shouldn't do some questionable shit. What's next, a tramp stamp that says "BABY"?



Okay, I see that he has a Garfield chain. Very corny. Now what's up with those glasses, b? Those aren't fresh. Clear shades makes you look like a dork. Even an anime nerd that knows the words to a bunch of Japanese songs would call you a loser if you wear shit like that. And what's up with painting a pocket on your shirt? Tyga has the worst dressed award until I can find out if Lil Mama was there or not.




Kanye was the best thing of the night and that's sad because I found his performance kinda boring. Still waiting to hear Love Lockdown in good studio quality.