My Thoughts on E3 (Well, the first two days, at least)

Microsoft

I honestly didn't see the presser, but all I'm hearing about is "Project Natal". Check this out, fanboys:

That "Oh, it's better than the Wii because you don't need a controller" shit won't work.

1. The Playstation Eye does that same fucking thing.

2. Microsoft wouldn't have done this if the Wii wasn't so successful. Same thing with Sony, but I'll get to them later.

I'm not saying Natal isn't a good idea, just that acting like it's the most innovative thing since the Fleshlight is completely wrong.

I vowed that if Project Natal actually works well and is extra awesome like everyone pretends it will be, then I may spend my own money on a 360. That's because I know this motion-controlled interface theory isn't going to be that great. People thought the same thing with the Wii and now most of the people that own them don't even play them anymore.

I hear they announced Left 4 Dead 2 and Metal Gear Rising. Those are games I'll be looking out for, although I don't think MGR will be that great.

Nintendo

I don't even want to talk about their conference. Let me shorten it for you.

Super Mario Galaxy 2
Metroid: The Other M

That's the good shit. All I have to say to help you invision how terrible their presser was is "vitality sensor". Yes, a thing that monitors your pulse through your fucking finger.

Metroid: the Other M looks hot. I thought it was just a new Metroid Prime, but it's actually being created by Team Ninja and it's going to include third player elements. From what I saw of the trailer, I would be interested in purchasing if it wasn't on an unfortunate system.

You know what pissed me off? They talked about connecting the "casual gamers" and the "highly-skilled(see hardcore) gamers" and then mentioned the vitality sensor. I want to punch Iwata in his mouth.

I feel bad for Nintendo fanboys. It's like an abusive relationship. They mostly get treated like shit every E3, but Nintendo will throw in some "okay" shit.

Nintendo: "I know I've been treating you bad, but look, baby, look. . . Metroid The Other M! I promise I'll be better baby"
Poor bastard: "You said that last year. . . "
Nintendo: "Microsoft and Sony can't do for you what I do for you. You nothing without me."
Poor bastard: "I know"
Nintendo: "You better take that fucking Metroid and those two Marios and be happy. All the shit I've done for you"

Sony

Yeah, the one I was rooting for. They showed gameplay for MAG which I was not that impressed by. Uncharted 2 looks hot. Token action/adventure/platformer/shooter.

What I feel gave Sony the edge over the other two was the Final Fantasy XIV surprise, for one. First off, I do not want it. Final Fantasy XI was an online Final Fantasy and I'm not hearing good things about it. However, this was because it was released when the PS2 tried to go 0-online in seven seconds. Hopefully in this age where everyone is online it may do better.

Second was the showing of GT5 on PSP/PS3. No, I'm not buying it because doing a 300 lap race doesn't exactly give me a boner, but everyone else does.

They showed their answer to the Wii and Natal which was basically their own little motion-sensing project. First off, this edged off Natal because there was an actual demo. Surely fanboys are going to argue about what's better and completely oust the Wii, being that their sales have lapped Sony and Microsoft twice. While the demo is impressive, I'm not quite sold. The Playstation Eye got no love whatsoever after Eye of Judgment went stale, so I don't know if I should waste my money on another peripheral that copies another game system.

Nothing else really worth talking about for Sony.



As far as consoles are concerd, you know who won? The gaming public. Well, not Nintendo's. I feel sorry for them.

Mario blacks on Peach

If you don't find this funny, you're either a feminist or a fat turtle.

Gamer x Dad

First, I'm glad everyone sees Kanye how I do right now. I figured someone would think I was hating or being fruity for paying more attention to Kanye's outfit than Amber Rose, but Amber Rose gets her own time later. (Sperm-Friendly 2 coming later. Way later.)

So, I realized today when I suddenly wanted to buy Street Fighter IV that I'm going to have to slow down on the game uptake once the baby is here. That's difficult as shit to come to terms with. I mean, all of the good games come out this year. Tekken 6, God of War III, Infamous, Killzone 2. Not that I won't be able to buy them, but I'm not going to be able to get them soon as they come out, which is my shit.

I do, however, appreciate the fact that I'll get to craft my child's love of video games and hope that it's like mine. I would feel the same way as a dad who primed their child to grow up to play basketball or some other unisex sport or hobby that they partook in when they were younger(Is partook a word? the word processor didn't say shit, so meh).

I want to type more, but I have to take Kyree, my demon-seed younger brother, out for a walk. He turned 11, yesterday, but that doesn't keep him from being a thorn in my scrotum. He's autistic if I didn't mention it, but don't feel all bad. He's still a butthole.

Bitch, I can't wait until Tuesday Wednesday!

I've been waiting like a year for this.

So I'm Gonna Put a Ring On It

I'm not showing you where I found it either because I'm buying it and I'm wearing it and I don't want Charles Hamilton stumbling on this shit either. I'm also buying this:



Because this shits all over those Dee and Ricky fags.

So, I played Mirror's Edge

For the first time in 8 billion years I got on my PS3 because even though the Blu-Ray reader had it's anus reamed, it still works. Honestly, I mainly got on because I wanted to play the Mirror's Edge demo. I had to download it overnight since I have to take the modem off of the computer and hook it up in my room (I need some wirless internet out this bitch). Long story short, it's pretty much what I expected. In a good way.

The demo starts you off with training, which is very much needed. The game relies a lot on momentum and timing, because if you fuck a jump, you're welcome to listen to your bones crunch as Faith, the protagonist, slams in to the ground. After completing the training where you learn such important maneuvers as how to crouch in mid-air to make yourself smaller and get through tough spots(awesome!) and how to slide and kick a motherfucker in his balls(double awesome), you get to do a level. The level, in my opinion, was fun as shit.

I'm a fan of Prince of Persia. I own every game that came out for the Playstation 2 and I'm planning THE FUCK out of buying the new one. You could say that Mirror's Edge is like a first-person Prince of Persia not only because of the acrobatic maneuvers, but you also have to scope out the area to find out where you have to go. At one point, you end up in a room with a bunch of gestapo and you have to escape. The first-person perspective helps you feel the sense of urgency that you tend to feel when you're having slugs fired at you while you have to find a good way to get to that air vent.

I was planning on buying Mirror's Edge anyway, but this just helps me cement my decision.

Nerding It Up On the M-U-S-I-C Tip

I'm just going to post some of my favorite songs from original video game soundtracks. Hell, you might find something you might like.

Final Fantasy X - Travel Company



Mega Man X6 - Commander Yammark's stage



Mega Man X6 - Blizzard Wolfgang's stage



Ridge Racer Type 4 - Silhouette Dance(DEE BEST)



Ape Escape - Dark Ruins
(Embedding is disabled for it, but it's totally worth it.)

Why I Want to Buy Dead Space

Now, if you watched the video, they'd explain to you how zero gravity works in the game. I'm a nerd, so this excites me. The fact that you can't hear shit in a vacuum gives my brain an erection. All you can hear is your heartbeat and your breathing, and that's it.



Dropkicking babies? Nigga, I'm so in.

These Are A Few of My Favorite Things

This might be a long ass post, but to hell with it. I decided I'm going to post some shit I'm REALLY feeling at the moment:

Clothes

Hoon Clothing Leather Jacket



This Hoon clothing jacket is sexy. I usually don't mess with leather like that, but I just want to rub that jacket on my chest.

Pokemon 151 Cubone T-Shirt



This is a Cubone shirt by a clothing company in Japan called "Pokemon 151". It's a mature brand for all of the Pokemon heads that have grown up with it. Unfortunately, an XL in Japan is like a large in America, so I'm going to have to lose some weight.



Music

Charles Hamilton




Charles Hamilton is one of my new favorite rappers, and I'm not just saying that because he reads my blog every now and then. It's nice to not just hear rappers rap about the same shit over and over again, which is what makes other up-and-comers like 88 Keys and Wale stand out. With tracks like "Lacey Duvalle", "Where's my Fucking Genesis" and "Runaway Groom", Charles the Hamilton doesn't disappoint. My current favorite track right now is "Anti-Bullying Zone" (Go download Staff Development. Nigga, google it, I don't feel like finding a link.), because it's nice to listen to when walking alone on a windy day. You can go to his blog right over there. It's on my links. Go ahead.


Janelle Monae




I actually first heard Janelle Monae on the Purple Ribbon Army album and vowed that I would buy her album when it came out, but unfortunately I was broke. Now, I have the chance to redeem myself. I thoroughly enjoy the song and video for "Many Moons" and have to applaud her ability to dance like James Brown and keep her bouffant mohawk from flopping to one side. Janelle Monae also has some sort of force field for her beauty that keeps me from making perverse metaphors for the nasty things I'd do to her sexually.


Video Games


Spider-Man: Web of Shadows





I already knew soon as I heard about the game that this is going to be a hit that may even surpass Spider-Man 2 as being the best Spider-Man video game. It's actually having an original story crafted for it and after seeing the trailer, my PS3 is pretty horny for this game. The story involves symbiotes (Read up, mortal) practically taking over New York and some of Spidey's friends and enemies being effected.


Dead Space





I decided that I would choose this game to pop my survival horror cherry. I'm usually a total pussy when it comes to games like these, but I said "Why the fuck not?". You play a space. . . guy who decided to check out an abandoned ship where the crew as apparently been wiped out. Turns out they were wiped out by some foreign beings called "Necromorphs" which happen to be some of the creepiest motherfuckers this side of "Xenomorphs". Long story short: You're alone, surrounded by aliens, no one can hear you scream. One reviewer even put out an early post before his review to say "This game is scary." I think I have enough money left for some Depends.

Hey, Keith Mullin and Biosilo foods? Fuck you.

So, some asshole decided to make "food" for gamers? I'm o-goddamn-ffended. As corny as the term gamer sounds, I'll accept it as an adjective that would describe my love for video games and anything to do with them. Shit like this, though, is what makes being a gamer seem like we're looked at as toddlers. Enough ranting, let's see what the fuck they're talking about

"Gamer Grub will be available in four flavors considered to be popular with gamers ("Strategy Chocolate," "Action Pizza," "Racing Wasabi," and "Sports PB&J" (that's peanut buter and jelly to the uninitiated), but two features will set this snack apart from the chips, pizza, popcorn, and similar snacks foods on which gamers are known to subsist: a proprietary mix of vitamins and other supplements, and a unique "delivery system" that will enable one to consume the product in the midst of gaming without leaving one's fingers, keyboard, and mouse slick with grease."

Bitch, we have something called a "paper towel" that could keep us from getting our fingers slick with grease. And WTF is up with naming the flavors after video game genres? How many gamers do you know that actually play sports games that much? Here's a hint: They don't exist. All of those rappers that say "Yeah, I play games. I be playing Madden all day in the crib". Those niggas aren't gamers.

". . .(Keith)Mullin, a sometime gamer himself. . ."

Sometime gamer? So does that mean he has the ability to know what gamers eat? What the hell does this shit even look like, anyway?

So, in conclusion, I feel that Gabe and Tycho of Penny Arcade summed it up best in three panels.

Aww, skeet skeet!

Skate 2 'New San Vanelona' trailer HD

If you never played Skate, you should probably go rent the first one, like, now.

This Game is the Best Game Ever

Maybe not, but Mirror's Edge is looking pretty bad ass.

Pushing the right buttons

There's a start and select button the bikini bottom, too. This would totally be a great gift for that geeky girlfriend. I would buy one for mine, but I'm worried they won't sell any to fit over her breasts. Despite my previous beliefs, there are some cons in life for women with Ds and up.

From that Kotaku.

New Dead Space trailer

Looks pretty good. Too bad I'm not going to play it being that I'm a total pussy for horror games.

Lady luck is a hooker, and I'm all out of cash. . .

Now, that's the trailer for the Max Payne movie. I have only one problem with it. . . it actually looks good. This trips me out because it's a movie based on a video game, and statistics prove that never ends well. However, if you look at the cast and the cinematography, it actually looks like it might do Max Payne some justice. Excuse me while I go put my face in a bucket of ice.

Oh, joy and ejaculation!

I'm excited and if you aren't FUCK YOU. This honestly might be the first Sonic the Hedgehog game I want to purchase since Sonic & Knuckles. I mean, look at that! I'm pretty sure one of the complaints about the game from reviewers might be something about the game being "too linear" or some garbage, but fuck that. The Ricky Bobby in me just wants to go fast, unlike the mediocre Sonic Adventure games where you ran for a while only to stop and take on some baddies and get frustrated. As long as Sonic isn't kissing any human broads, this game could be okay.

Why I Don't Take Nintendo Seriously Now

My girlfriend was actually thinking about buying me this, to which I laughed in her face, but I was serious. Even if I know I wouldn't look half as stupid as these "High School Musical" loving teenagers, just no. Besides, I'm a Rock Band man now. I must admit, though, that I'm impressed at how they got it to work on the DS. Is there any video game system that can make a genuinely good ad campaign? Let's look at it like this:

Xbox 360 ad campaign: Non-existant. They pretty much either let their games talk for them or I don't notice because, you know, I don't fuck with Microsoft like that.

PS3 ad campaign: They're like that artistic guy that takes pictures of himself nude with tape across his mouth that say "censorship" and other dumb crap like that. He believes what he does is art, but it's usually pretty fucking stupid. That's how PS3 ads are. I might've seen maybe two PS3 ads I like, but after that "thenis" ad, I really quit caring.

Nintendo Wii ad campaign: If I see some Japanese dude walk up to a door to say "We rike to pray" one more time, followed by some suburban family smiling too hard while they wave two shiny phallic shaped controllers, I'm going to stab my brother right in his arm. We really don't need to see how to play the Wii for the five billionth time.

PSP ad campaign: They might have found something with this "Get your own" thing. It's better than the racial stereotype dust bunnies and squirrels. Or the black people and white people fighting.

DS ad campaign: Same as the Wii without the Asian men.

An Event of Epic Fanboyism

If anyone has been following Metal Gear Solid 4 as closely as I has, then they should know by now that Eurogamer gave it an 8 out of 10. Now, if you're a Metal Gear Solid fanboy like I am, you wouldn't just be pissed, you'd be offended. That shit was like a slap to the face of everything Metal Gear Solid has worked for. Of course, I wasn't the only one perturbed by this faux pas. You have to see the massive amount of comments, both critical and supportive, about Oil Welsh's decision. Many are just stripped down to immature rants (including the constant slur of "Eurofags"), fanboy beefing (PS3 fanboys whining about how it deserved more and Xbox fanboys talking about how Halo scored higher) and some people even abandoning Eurogamer altogether (One guy said that this will be the last review he reads on Eurogamer). Somehow, this score, which in my eyes is seen as a "pretty good", has turned into a shitstorm of epic proportions. Sure, I think it deserved better, but I can't knock another man's opinion. It doesn't matter, because I'm going to be having a hot, steamy, sensual night with my copy come June 12th.

More Playstation pocket slaughtering

Ubisoft has just announced a new Prince of Persia game for this year. I own every Prince of Persia that came out for the Playstation 2 and there's no way I'm not owning this one when it comes out. I've enjoyed every one (Even Warrior Within, which everyone has extreme disdain for, for some reason.) because it's something about the whole environment-as-a-puzzle gameplay that just gets me all fuzzy inside. They also said there is going to be a new "illustrative art style". Similar to Okami, maybe? I can only hope.

Mmm, bizarre. . .

I know, right? I would much rather have a Marvel vs. Capcom 3, thank you very much.