The Return of What Me and My Brother Talk About on the Phone (Featuring Martian Lewis)

Me: Niggas shooting behind my house

Tim: Word?

Me: Or shooting fireworks. Either way it's not cool.

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Me: Yo, you find the cat, yo?

Terrell: (Unintelligible whispering)

Tim: . . . You making cat noises, yo?

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Terrell: GO, GO, GO!

Me: LMFAO, did you just do a sting operation on the cat?

Tim: He going Metal Gear Solid on the cat.

Terrell: I GOT HIM! I GOT HIM!

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Tim: What was that?

Terrell: The microwave.

Me: I thought you were about to bomb the cat.

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Tim: She started calling him Captain Hook.

Me: Wait, why?

Tim: Because his thing curvy.

Me: Ah. . .

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Tim: Was she even pretty?

Me: Yo, she looked like a squid, yo.

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Terrell: You the one that was wasting time, but I got the pussy.

Me: You know, in retrospect, I'm kinda glad I didn't beat. I mean, it did turn out she was 12 and shit. You did it to the dirty girl.

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Terrell: When Mama Mary go to West Virginia?

Me: Today!

Terrell: Why?

Me: To see Aunt Mary!

Terrell: I didn't know Aunt Mary was in West Virginia!

Me: What the fuck, she lives there!

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Me: Yo, this might sound gross and sick, but yo. . . this girl came into my job. She was like 9, but she had a really nice ass.

Terrell: Yo a pedophile!

Tim: 9, though.

Me: Stop judging me.

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Terrell: No, Eric brought us the sober monster! Ahhhhhhhh!

Me: Nigga, you tripping.

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Me: Yo, it's this one song, "Got Caught Dealing". Yo, it reminds me of Foghorn Leghorn. It's like, "What the fuck made Pharrell think this shit is banging?"

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Me: You're thinking oooooof Sharniece

Terrell: I remember her.

Me: Yeah, she used to let us fondle her tits on the playground.

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Terrell: (talking to cousin) Somebody get that umbrella off the floor. I keep thinking it's the cat.

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Terrell: Yo, that's not funny, yo. That cat ain't no joke, yo. Me and the cat was fighting last night.

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Tim: Her eyebrows thick as shit, though.

Me: They look like parentheses.

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Tim: Yo, he was just like, nah, yo. . . I'm not even gonna say it.

Me: I just admitted I checked out a 9 year old, I'm sure pretty much anything is up for discussion.

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Terrell: 9, though?

Me: You know what they say: If she knows her ABC's, she can get on me.

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Me: Okay, whatever, she was 9. Hey, it could've been worse. Like, at least I didn't get an erection.

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Me: She didn't come out and say he took it in the butt. She said they spent a night over each others' houses a lot and I refuse to believe they spent nights with each other being gay and didn't do anything to each others' anuses.

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Me: (talking about Tim) Whole time he look like Uncle Phil when he be throwing Jazzy Jeff out the house.

Terrell: Whole time he dress like Jazzy Jeff though.

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Terrell: Whole time, Tim look like a fat Wale.

Tim: Whole time, you look Amber Rose

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