Me: Niggas shooting behind my house
Tim: Word?
Me: Or shooting fireworks. Either way it's not cool.
*************************************************************************
Me: Yo, you find the cat, yo?
Terrell: (Unintelligible whispering)
Tim: . . . You making cat noises, yo?
*************************************************************************
Terrell: GO, GO, GO!
Me: LMFAO, did you just do a sting operation on the cat?
Tim: He going Metal Gear Solid on the cat.
Terrell: I GOT HIM! I GOT HIM!
*************************************************************************
Tim: What was that?
Terrell: The microwave.
Me: I thought you were about to bomb the cat.
**************************************************************************
Tim: She started calling him Captain Hook.
Me: Wait, why?
Tim: Because his thing curvy.
Me: Ah. . .
***************************************************************************
Tim: Was she even pretty?
Me: Yo, she looked like a squid, yo.
***************************************************************************
Terrell: You the one that was wasting time, but I got the pussy.
Me: You know, in retrospect, I'm kinda glad I didn't beat. I mean, it did turn out she was 12 and shit. You did it to the dirty girl.
****************************************************************************
Terrell: When Mama Mary go to West Virginia?
Me: Today!
Terrell: Why?
Me: To see Aunt Mary!
Terrell: I didn't know Aunt Mary was in West Virginia!
Me: What the fuck, she lives there!
**************************************************************************
Me: Yo, this might sound gross and sick, but yo. . . this girl came into my job. She was like 9, but she had a really nice ass.
Terrell: Yo a pedophile!
Tim: 9, though.
Me: Stop judging me.
**************************************************************************
Terrell: No, Eric brought us the sober monster! Ahhhhhhhh!
Me: Nigga, you tripping.
**************************************************************************
Me: Yo, it's this one song, "Got Caught Dealing". Yo, it reminds me of Foghorn Leghorn. It's like, "What the fuck made Pharrell think this shit is banging?"
**************************************************************************
Me: You're thinking oooooof Sharniece
Terrell: I remember her.
Me: Yeah, she used to let us fondle her tits on the playground.
**************************************************************************
Terrell: (talking to cousin) Somebody get that umbrella off the floor. I keep thinking it's the cat.
**************************************************************************
Terrell: Yo, that's not funny, yo. That cat ain't no joke, yo. Me and the cat was fighting last night.
*************************************************************************
Tim: Her eyebrows thick as shit, though.
Me: They look like parentheses.
*************************************************************************
Tim: Yo, he was just like, nah, yo. . . I'm not even gonna say it.
Me: I just admitted I checked out a 9 year old, I'm sure pretty much anything is up for discussion.
*************************************************************************
Terrell: 9, though?
Me: You know what they say: If she knows her ABC's, she can get on me.
*************************************************************************
Me: Okay, whatever, she was 9. Hey, it could've been worse. Like, at least I didn't get an erection.
************************************************************************
Me: She didn't come out and say he took it in the butt. She said they spent a night over each others' houses a lot and I refuse to believe they spent nights with each other being gay and didn't do anything to each others' anuses.
************************************************************************
Me: (talking about Tim) Whole time he look like Uncle Phil when he be throwing Jazzy Jeff out the house.
Terrell: Whole time he dress like Jazzy Jeff though.
**********************************************************************
Terrell: Whole time, Tim look like a fat Wale.
Tim: Whole time, you look Amber Rose
***********************************************************************
Showing posts with label My Brother and Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Brother and Me. Show all posts
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
What Me and My Brother Talk About On the Phone(Guest starring Jasmine again)
Terrell: You tell Jade(Jasmine's sister) I have a crush on her
Jasmine: No
Me: He's legal now
Jasmine: (Telling Jade he's legal). . . Oh, stop that! Don't get that look on your face. He is not a sweetheart, he is a hooker!
****************************************************************
Terrell: Jasmine sensitive.
Me: Jasmine's more sensitive than infant clit.
******************************************************************
Jade:(To Jasmine)Do you have a heart underneath all that booby?
******************************************************************
Terrell: Me and Jordan(Jasmine's brother) had a conversation about being uncles.
Jade: We're family now.
Me:(singing) We are a family, like a giant tree! Branching into the skyyyyyyyy!
Jasmine: You both are gay.
Me: Yep, that's Jasmine now.
******************************************************************
Me: Do you like fishsticks?
Terrell: Do you?
Me: Nigga, do you like fishsticks!?
Terrell: No.
Me: Ah, fuck. . . you sure?
Terrell: Hold on, dickhead.
Me: Dammit.
*******************************************************************
Terrell: Yo gay! He said he confused.
Me: I don't like your tone of jokes. I'm gonna cauterize your butthole shut and feed you laxatives.
********************************************************************
Me: What did you just eat?
Jasmine: Pizza and apple juice.
Me: It sound like you just ate a human being.
********************************************************************
Terrell: Whooooo! My bad. I always get hype playing basketball and footbal.
Me: Nothing gets him horny like watching sweaty black men rubbing against each other.
********************************************************************
Jasmine: If I wanted to pay 78 dollars for a crib, how much would you put up?
Me: 78.
Jasmine: Why?
Me: Because it costs less than I expected so I can still get some Yeezy's.
********************************************************************
Me: Keebduhpigjuhugot
Terrell: What?
Me: Keebduhpigjuhugot
Terrell: What?
Me: GOT A MOUTHFUL OF EGGS LIKE BACON AND CHEESE!
********************************************************************
Terrell: Why don't you like Hawaiian Punch?
Me: Because she's anti-black.
Jasmine: How is that black?
Me: Because it gives us diabetes.
*********************************************************************
Jasmine: I wish I had an afro like Beyonce's. A nice 70s afro.
Me: Oh! I thought you said you wish you had an "asshole" like Beyonce's.
Jasmine: Yeah. . . I don't know what her asshole looks like.
Me: I would love to find out.
*********************************************************************
Me: Damn, whatever happened to Theardra? I haven't heard from her in, like, months.
Jasmine: We talked to her last week.
Me: Look, I got really high twice in the past week.
*********************************************************************
Me: (Talking about a girl that called Jasmine a clown) That was very bold. Jasmine usually attacks people for saying shit like that.
Jasmine: What?
Me: Nothing. You a cutie pie.
*********************************************************************
Me: Why does Timothy(Nikavelli) look just like Timbaland? It's like Timbaland was making a beat and then he suddenly started grunting and pulled a chunk of himself out and it was Tim.
**********************************************************************
Jasmine: I'm afraid our son will come out extremely gorgeous and when he grows up, girls will flock to his penis!
Me: I don't care, as long as he keeps that rubber on his meat.
**********************************************************************
Jasmine: No
Me: He's legal now
Jasmine: (Telling Jade he's legal). . . Oh, stop that! Don't get that look on your face. He is not a sweetheart, he is a hooker!
****************************************************************
Terrell: Jasmine sensitive.
Me: Jasmine's more sensitive than infant clit.
******************************************************************
Jade:(To Jasmine)Do you have a heart underneath all that booby?
******************************************************************
Terrell: Me and Jordan(Jasmine's brother) had a conversation about being uncles.
Jade: We're family now.
Me:(singing) We are a family, like a giant tree! Branching into the skyyyyyyyy!
Jasmine: You both are gay.
Me: Yep, that's Jasmine now.
******************************************************************
Me: Do you like fishsticks?
Terrell: Do you?
Me: Nigga, do you like fishsticks!?
Terrell: No.
Me: Ah, fuck. . . you sure?
Terrell: Hold on, dickhead.
Me: Dammit.
*******************************************************************
Terrell: Yo gay! He said he confused.
Me: I don't like your tone of jokes. I'm gonna cauterize your butthole shut and feed you laxatives.
********************************************************************
Me: What did you just eat?
Jasmine: Pizza and apple juice.
Me: It sound like you just ate a human being.
********************************************************************
Terrell: Whooooo! My bad. I always get hype playing basketball and footbal.
Me: Nothing gets him horny like watching sweaty black men rubbing against each other.
********************************************************************
Jasmine: If I wanted to pay 78 dollars for a crib, how much would you put up?
Me: 78.
Jasmine: Why?
Me: Because it costs less than I expected so I can still get some Yeezy's.
********************************************************************
Me: Keebduhpigjuhugot
Terrell: What?
Me: Keebduhpigjuhugot
Terrell: What?
Me: GOT A MOUTHFUL OF EGGS LIKE BACON AND CHEESE!
********************************************************************
Terrell: Why don't you like Hawaiian Punch?
Me: Because she's anti-black.
Jasmine: How is that black?
Me: Because it gives us diabetes.
*********************************************************************
Jasmine: I wish I had an afro like Beyonce's. A nice 70s afro.
Me: Oh! I thought you said you wish you had an "asshole" like Beyonce's.
Jasmine: Yeah. . . I don't know what her asshole looks like.
Me: I would love to find out.
*********************************************************************
Me: Damn, whatever happened to Theardra? I haven't heard from her in, like, months.
Jasmine: We talked to her last week.
Me: Look, I got really high twice in the past week.
*********************************************************************
Me: (Talking about a girl that called Jasmine a clown) That was very bold. Jasmine usually attacks people for saying shit like that.
Jasmine: What?
Me: Nothing. You a cutie pie.
*********************************************************************
Me: Why does Timothy(Nikavelli) look just like Timbaland? It's like Timbaland was making a beat and then he suddenly started grunting and pulled a chunk of himself out and it was Tim.
**********************************************************************
Jasmine: I'm afraid our son will come out extremely gorgeous and when he grows up, girls will flock to his penis!
Me: I don't care, as long as he keeps that rubber on his meat.
**********************************************************************
Monday, March 30, 2009
Oh, I Almost Forgot
Since this motherfucker's gained fans on my blog, his birthday passed Saturday.
He's 18. Please keep the sexual comments to a minimum.
He's 18. Please keep the sexual comments to a minimum.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
What Me and My Brother Talk About On the Phone(Guest starring Jasmine)
Me: I'm about to look at some baby onesies!
Terrell: I took a dump this morning.
Me: . . . Why did you need to tell me that?
Terrell: In the first floor bathroom. While I was making waffles.
**********************************************************
Me: That's my angry demon voice. RRRAAAARRGGH!
Terrell: It sounds like somebody burned you and it sting when you piss.
**********************************************************
Terrell: Yo, this girl Nita got a banging body, son.
Me: Then skeet on it.
Terrell: I don't have her number anymore.
Me: Damn! FAIL!
***********************************************************
Terrell: Yo, ******* mad at me, yo.
Me: Why do you keep talking about her?
Terrell: Because she so cute
Me: Angry baby face.
************************************************************
Jasmine: What are you doing?
Terrell: Listening to Drake.
Jasmine: Drake?
Me: Man, she don't know who Drake is.
Jasmine: Like Drake and Josh?
Me: Wow.
Terrell: She just went gay on me.
************************************************************
Terrell: Remember Britney that lived across the street from Eugene?
Me: Yeah?
Terrell: She like girls now.
Me: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATSHEADYKE!?
************************************************************
Terrell: Jasmine. I need a girlfriend.
Me: He says this, like, every month.
Jasmine: I'm bout to slap him.
************************************************************
Terrell: Jasmine, Eric won't write a blog about me.
Eric: No, this nigga wants me to write a biography about him and shit.
************************************************************
(Talking about Drake)
Jasmine: Do they taste good?
Terrell: What?
Jasmine: His nuts.
Eric: Aww, she carried you! You gonna let her carry you?
Terrell: Nah, I got her.
Jasmine: You didn't answer me.
Me: AAAWWWW! SHE STILL SLIDING YOU!
************************************************************
Me: Yo, I'm about to take a dump.
Terrell: I'ma get off the phone then.
Me: whyyou always gotta get OFF THE PHONE!?
************************************************************
Terrell: I took a dump this morning.
Me: . . . Why did you need to tell me that?
Terrell: In the first floor bathroom. While I was making waffles.
**********************************************************
Me: That's my angry demon voice. RRRAAAARRGGH!
Terrell: It sounds like somebody burned you and it sting when you piss.
**********************************************************
Terrell: Yo, this girl Nita got a banging body, son.
Me: Then skeet on it.
Terrell: I don't have her number anymore.
Me: Damn! FAIL!
***********************************************************
Terrell: Yo, ******* mad at me, yo.
Me: Why do you keep talking about her?
Terrell: Because she so cute
Me: Angry baby face.
************************************************************
Jasmine: What are you doing?
Terrell: Listening to Drake.
Jasmine: Drake?
Me: Man, she don't know who Drake is.
Jasmine: Like Drake and Josh?
Me: Wow.
Terrell: She just went gay on me.
************************************************************
Terrell: Remember Britney that lived across the street from Eugene?
Me: Yeah?
Terrell: She like girls now.
Me: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATSHEADYKE!?
************************************************************
Terrell: Jasmine. I need a girlfriend.
Me: He says this, like, every month.
Jasmine: I'm bout to slap him.
************************************************************
Terrell: Jasmine, Eric won't write a blog about me.
Eric: No, this nigga wants me to write a biography about him and shit.
************************************************************
(Talking about Drake)
Jasmine: Do they taste good?
Terrell: What?
Jasmine: His nuts.
Eric: Aww, she carried you! You gonna let her carry you?
Terrell: Nah, I got her.
Jasmine: You didn't answer me.
Me: AAAWWWW! SHE STILL SLIDING YOU!
************************************************************
Me: Yo, I'm about to take a dump.
Terrell: I'ma get off the phone then.
Me: why
************************************************************
Monday, January 5, 2009
What Me and My Brother Talk About on the Phone: The Threequel
Terrell: Yo, you still ain't check my myspace
Me: Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Me: Oh, I forgot about her.
Terrell: Who's she?
Me: This girl I met at UMBC. She's hot and I wanted to try to beat.
Terrell: Oh, yeah.
Me: I'm gonna start hanging out with her, like "Hey! I have a cock!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: It's a couple of good movies that went straight to DVD.
Me: Like what?
Terrell: I don't know, bitch. I knew you was gonna ask me that.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Me: I think I might have to doo-doo.
Terrell: What? Why?
Me: Because I ate food, nigga! Why else would I have to poop?
Terrell: You know what? I might have to doo-doo, too.
----------------------------------------------------------------
(After asking Terrell what his new myspace password was)
Terrell: I had that new password for, like, two months.
Me: You know what I didn't have for, like, two months?
Terrell: I don't know.
Me: The internet, ass!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Me: I say you delete that bitch.
Terrell: Why?
Me: You can't see any of her pictures. All she got is a default of some chick with her back to the camera walking towards the ocean. Fuck is she, a mermaid?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: She said she was going to come into town and then let me know where she was, yo.
Me: Whole time she a bluffin muffin.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: Tell her the oldest chick I dated was 20 years old. . .
Me: . . . and she was crazy like a fox.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: She hot ain't she?
Me: I can't tell since ALL HER PICTURES OVERFUCKINGSATURATED! You mess with nothing but clowns.
Terrell: Don't say that yo, she's intelligent.
Me: She's an intelligent clown.
Terrell: Plus she thick.
Me: I'd be able to tell if HER ASS WASN'T BLENDING IN WITH THE FUCKING WALL!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: She's like a buckethead hybrid.
Terrell: Don't say that, yo.
Me: Like a vampire. Like, you'll see a vampire and be like "Hey, he seems cool", but then you'll realize he can't come out in the sunlight or eat garlic sauce. Her buckethead traits pop out every now and then.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: I'ma kick Shaquel in the butt. Wanna be acting like I don't exist and shit. Is that Gucci Mane? Ahhhhhhhhssssssssssseeewwwww.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: We need to save these water bottles to save the environment. I wish Captain Planet was here to see me. . . so I can punch him in his lips.
Terrell: Yo funny.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: Nownownow E-Rich is the one that be boning ya muvva. Bone ya muvva. Boneyaboneya muvva. STOP THE TRACK! LET ME STATE FACTS! I COME OVER YA HOUSE AND THEN BLOW OUT YA MUVVA BACK!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: You know your feet stink when it gross you out.
Me: LMFAO
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: Now T-Jay is the one that be fucking ya mother. Not E-Rich.
Me: Man, suck a gravy stick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: When she get out, better pull her tits out and in two seconds they better end up in my mouth. Getting hornay! Yeah, I'm getting horny!
Terrell: You a dirty bitch.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: Yo my feet reeking!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: What, you been doing? Working in mines?
Terrell: Walking down Lexington Market.
Me: Yo was stepping over crackheads and shit.
Terrell: I went crackhead stomping today.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
(Terrell playing NCAA Football 08, trying to sack a quarterback)
Terrell: Somebody lace his ass. He look like Chris Brown.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: You got like 19 females.
Terrell: No, I don't.
Me: You got 19 year old females.
Terrell: . . . So. You 19.
Me: What, you tryna say you got me?
Terrell: Yeah.
Me:(In a gay lisp) Boy, you better clean your feet first and come holla at me later.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: For real, yo, they smell like boiling piss.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: Yo, I wanna leg drop somebody.
Terrell: lol. What?
Me: One day you gonna meet me at a mall and I'm gonna walk up to you dressed like Macho Man Randy Savage.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: YO BURNED ME!
Me: OBAMA!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: You need to go wash your feet, b.
Terrell: Shut up.
Me: This is for your health. It smell like you been kicking dung beetles.
Terrell: *hic*I been kicking your mother.
Me: See? The smell gave you the hiccups.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Me: Oh, I forgot about her.
Terrell: Who's she?
Me: This girl I met at UMBC. She's hot and I wanted to try to beat.
Terrell: Oh, yeah.
Me: I'm gonna start hanging out with her, like "Hey! I have a cock!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: It's a couple of good movies that went straight to DVD.
Me: Like what?
Terrell: I don't know, bitch. I knew you was gonna ask me that.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Me: I think I might have to doo-doo.
Terrell: What? Why?
Me: Because I ate food, nigga! Why else would I have to poop?
Terrell: You know what? I might have to doo-doo, too.
----------------------------------------------------------------
(After asking Terrell what his new myspace password was)
Terrell: I had that new password for, like, two months.
Me: You know what I didn't have for, like, two months?
Terrell: I don't know.
Me: The internet, ass!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Me: I say you delete that bitch.
Terrell: Why?
Me: You can't see any of her pictures. All she got is a default of some chick with her back to the camera walking towards the ocean. Fuck is she, a mermaid?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: She said she was going to come into town and then let me know where she was, yo.
Me: Whole time she a bluffin muffin.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: Tell her the oldest chick I dated was 20 years old. . .
Me: . . . and she was crazy like a fox.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: She hot ain't she?
Me: I can't tell since ALL HER PICTURES OVERFUCKINGSATURATED! You mess with nothing but clowns.
Terrell: Don't say that yo, she's intelligent.
Me: She's an intelligent clown.
Terrell: Plus she thick.
Me: I'd be able to tell if HER ASS WASN'T BLENDING IN WITH THE FUCKING WALL!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: She's like a buckethead hybrid.
Terrell: Don't say that, yo.
Me: Like a vampire. Like, you'll see a vampire and be like "Hey, he seems cool", but then you'll realize he can't come out in the sunlight or eat garlic sauce. Her buckethead traits pop out every now and then.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: I'ma kick Shaquel in the butt. Wanna be acting like I don't exist and shit. Is that Gucci Mane? Ahhhhhhhhssssssssssseeewwwww.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: We need to save these water bottles to save the environment. I wish Captain Planet was here to see me. . . so I can punch him in his lips.
Terrell: Yo funny.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: Nownownow E-Rich is the one that be boning ya muvva. Bone ya muvva. Boneyaboneya muvva. STOP THE TRACK! LET ME STATE FACTS! I COME OVER YA HOUSE AND THEN BLOW OUT YA MUVVA BACK!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: You know your feet stink when it gross you out.
Me: LMFAO
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: Now T-Jay is the one that be fucking ya mother. Not E-Rich.
Me: Man, suck a gravy stick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: When she get out, better pull her tits out and in two seconds they better end up in my mouth. Getting hornay! Yeah, I'm getting horny!
Terrell: You a dirty bitch.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: Yo my feet reeking!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: What, you been doing? Working in mines?
Terrell: Walking down Lexington Market.
Me: Yo was stepping over crackheads and shit.
Terrell: I went crackhead stomping today.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
(Terrell playing NCAA Football 08, trying to sack a quarterback)
Terrell: Somebody lace his ass. He look like Chris Brown.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: You got like 19 females.
Terrell: No, I don't.
Me: You got 19 year old females.
Terrell: . . . So. You 19.
Me: What, you tryna say you got me?
Terrell: Yeah.
Me:(In a gay lisp) Boy, you better clean your feet first and come holla at me later.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: For real, yo, they smell like boiling piss.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: Yo, I wanna leg drop somebody.
Terrell: lol. What?
Me: One day you gonna meet me at a mall and I'm gonna walk up to you dressed like Macho Man Randy Savage.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Terrell: YO BURNED ME!
Me: OBAMA!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: You need to go wash your feet, b.
Terrell: Shut up.
Me: This is for your health. It smell like you been kicking dung beetles.
Terrell: *hic*I been kicking your mother.
Me: See? The smell gave you the hiccups.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
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