Friday, December 26, 2008

Vagina Dentata! What a Wonderful Phrase!

I don't know why I'm typing this at work, but we haven't had a pick-up in, like, an hour so I'm confident I could complete this.

I was playing Dead Space last night when I started thinking about all of the retarded myths I heard about sex when I was young. I decided I would post them and see which ones still hold true or false.

1. Women don't like having sex.

False. I used to believe, when I was around nine, that women didn't enjoy having sex. I figured they just gave us coochie because we were men and we wanted it. That was super wrong. I then later on learned from my dealing with females that they can actually manipulate you into believing otherwise through a method called "bluffing" and then finally taking you for the penis before you even know what hits you.

2. If you masturbate, you don't get any pussy. At All.

False. I used to feel guilty when I was, like, twelve because I used to beat off like a madman. Turns out that unless you are Denzel Washington, you can't just walk out of your house and point at a chick and get some coochie immediately. Even when you have a girlfriend, you'll always have Palmela. She's been through the thick and the thin, the hard times and all of the sticky situations.

3. A virgin is someone who does it to their cousin.

False. Don't laugh at me. When my friend told me that when I was eight I believed that shit. A matter of fact, one of my classmates said "Yeah, I'm a virgin" and no one really cared. That's fucked up.

4. Pussies have teeth.

False. I can see how if a chick doesn't take proper care of it, it might feel like it, but that's stupid. I believe there may have been cases of vagina dentata, but not enough to believe that a high percentage of women have it. I'm sure it's some myth some guy created to keep his son from sticking his dick in places it doesn't belong.

5. Masturbating makes your hands hairy/your eyes blind/your penis small.

Ha! Hahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

6. Gay men are obvious.

False. I mean, look at Lil Wayne. He's done more gay shit than the average man can get away with and a majority of people genuinely believe he only likes women, but Kanye wears a yellow shirt and regular fit jeans and suddenly he's a flaming fag. America needs to figure something out.

7. Ugly sex is the best sex.

. . . The verdicts still out on that one. I do know that after you smash a buttaface and get the cum demon out, you start to realize the serious mistake you've made.

8. If you eat out, you can't please with your penis.

Super false. A lot of the guys who believe this end up embarassing themselves. Trying some shit they have no business doing or something.

9. Women don't have orgasms.

That's totally false. Trust me, I know.

10. Women like guys with money.

True and false. If that's the only way you get girls, then look forward to a lot of disappointment in your life.

Maybe more later. I should be helping clean the compactor after these assholes filled it with shit that shouldn't be there.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I Hate the Geek Squad. Dead Ass.

- I'm currently using the internet from my PS3. Apparently, I'm such a hardcore fanboy that the ecks button on my usb keyboard doesn't work(read "ecks" out loud, please)

- All I'm doing right now is listening to Baltimore Club Music on youtube and freaking out. I swear to God, I just saw a ball of light form out of the corner of my right eye and when I turned around nothing was there. It's not a headlight from a car or a streelight because I can't see headlights from my room and no streetlights are that bright. My mother says it might be my uncle that passed away earlier this year. She's not helping.

- No, Reggie, I don't work at Dunkin Donuts. I wish I did. I actually work at a Sears.

- Speaking of Sears, Perry was fired and was escorted after a brief scuffle with the police. I may or may not talk about it later.

- Speaking of work, I want to work at Up Against the Wall out Mondawmin. They sell Kid Robot and The Hundreds and other brands I fantasize about purchasing. My PS3 won't let me type further :(.

Monday, December 22, 2008

I'm Totally Working Right Now

To take a page from Malcolm's book.

- Okay, the fellatio/cunnilingus thing was me introducing one of my male friends to a few lady friends and I told him to introduce his self. He started off with "My name is *****. I like long walks on the beach. I'm the absolute best at fellatio" to which I immediately cut him off and corrected him yelling "HE MEANS CUNNILINGUS! CUNNILINGUS!"

- I'm wired off of donut sugar

- I won my first regular season game. (Ravens 13 - Bengals 7)

- I really want to get laid. This "sex hiatus" that I'm being forced into taking is helping increase the intimacy of my relationship.

- My lying co-worker still gropes his cousin

- One of my co-workers just made me laugh and shoot donut crumbs out of my nose. In front of a customer.

- To Schoolin: I don't have any of Charles Hamilton's pre-DJ Skee mixtapes. The first mixtape I downloaded by him was Outside Looking.

- My beats are awesome. I might even rap soon.

- Way more women have seen my penis without getting penetrated this year than I'm comfortable with.

- My younger brother is a ho.

That's it. Hopefully I have my internet up by tomorrow.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

What's happened since I've been dead to the world wide web

- Someone at my job got fired and one of my co-workers had to L out a thief.

- My brother fucked up hard.

- One of my friends, I won't say who, confused fellatio with cunnilingus. Out loud.

- I haven't been getting laid :(

- I've bought Elder Scrolls IV Oblivion and Madden 09.

- I beat Mirror's Edge.

- The Ravens might still go to the playoffs.

- I haven't had sex D:

- I've gotten an application to start driving school.

I still don't have the internet yet. I have to take my computer to the Geek Squad Tuesday and shit. Yay.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

My Internet is Being Real Bitch Ass

My computer is in an interesting paradox of sorts. So, my internet connection is fine. I can go on the internet from my PS3 and everything. However, I can't use any of my web browsers to get on. Internet Explorer and Mozilla Firefox won't get to the internet, so I'm baffled like a 3 year old in a strip club. I'm trying to get in contact with the Geek Squad, but the Best Buy closest to my house doesn't have a number on 411 and the second closest seems to have a number that doesn't work.


Right now I'm at school about to put the finishing touches on my last two mid-terms and then I'm turning those bitches in so I can sleep longer. Well, after I my mother and brother get out of school since I have to keep waking up to wait for the bus with that nigga young man.

Nothing new has happened up Sears and I refuse to make another topic for it that doesn't warrant it because that shit is taking over my blog. First me talking to my brother on the phone and now this. This is the "E-Rich Show", not the "E-Rich and T-Jay show" or the "Funny Liars at Sears Show".

I haven't even started on these papers.

I'm planning on purchasing one of those good ass Canon cameras with the lens', so I might start taking pictures and shit. If I start loving it too much, I'm going to make a separate blog for photography.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Dig a Hole, Nigga, Bury Yourself

Uh-oh! Here's a continuation of the "Perry" story from my job, but with an unexpected twist!

Yesterday, right, Perry starts talking to me in MPU and the conversation goes something like:

Perry: "You saw Asscheeks, right?"
Me: "Yeah"
Perry: "You would fuck?"
Me: "Duh, nigga, I'm a man"
Perry: "But I'm saying, if she straight offered you the pussy, would you take it?"
Me: "Yeah, but ain't you trying to beat?"
Perry: "Yeah. We was just kissing in the break room."
Me: "For real?"
Perry: "Yeah. She had a mint and I said I was tryna get it so she put it on her lip"
Me: "Uh-huh"
Perry: "And I kissed her and put my tongue in her mouth and she said I was nasty"
Me: "Word?"

Wait, this is the best part.

Approximately an hour ago, my co-worker Mark calls me and that conversation goes like this:

Me: "What?"
Mark: "Guess who's related?"
Me: "Let me guess. Is one of them Perry?"
Mark: "Yeah."
Me: "And the other one's Asscheeks?"
Mark: "Yep."
Me: "Get the fuck outta here!"

Apparently, Asscheeks came up to Perry like "You know we're related, right?" and he says "Stop fucking playing." Asscheeks then lists off family members that Perry then recognizes. From Mark's telling, Perry is mad as a motherfucker.

Now, let's think back. This nigga sat here and claimed he almost had sex with Asscheeks in a dressing room and he just said he made out with her in the break room the previous night and now he finds out that they're related. He sat their and told all of these lies about the girl and the encounters they had and they were cousins this whole time.

My girlfriend thinks this situation is stupid and we should've been called him out, but she's lame. She insists we shouldn't let him insult our intelligence and lie to us to our face, but that's not my style. Instead of being direct, I like to play more of the spectator role and let people run themselves into a brick wall. This nigga hit a wall at, like, 140 miles per hour.

I can't wait to see what other shit happens at Sears High School.

Lil Wayne Gets 8 Grammy Nominations and Now This Shit. . .

Soulja Boy is allegedly getting his own video game. Why? I don't fucking know, but I'm offended.

"Soulja Boy video game is coming for Xbox 360 in 2009. After I put the Xbox 360 challenge up on the Internet, it was over all these video game sites. And a couple video game companies hit me up on my email because I put the email on there too. And hit me up like, “Blah, blah, blah, blah.” So I was like, “Oh snaps!” So I forwarded to my management, and they forwarded to my label. And now we’re doing the video game."

Instead of voicing my displeasure, I'm going to instead post my favorite comments from the Kotaku article about this shit-shittery.

Goddamn I hate him and his stupid face. He sucks at Halo (go look him up, hes got a lower than 1:1 KD, and even plays PRIVATE games for the majority), he talks like something heavy hit him in the head as a small child.

Its news like this that makes me question my faith in humanity.

This is going to give atheists something to point at and say, "See? Right there!"

All they had to say was blah blah blah? that doesn't sound like a firm offer to me.

I'm sorry, I speak fluent dumb-ass and even I can't understand what the hell he's saying whenever he opens his mouth. I assume he's not that well versed in english either if anyone talking to him sounds to him like gibberish.

I literally took one look at the headline and said, "oh no."


So, I'm quitting video games now. Anyone else with me?

The game is called "Go Back To School"...

This is one game I really truly hope stays exclusive to the 360.
Though I'm a PS3 fanboy at the core...
Even I don't think the 360 deserves such a punishment.

I agree with the last one. Those Xbox-heads can have that shit.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Bluffing Like a Girl That Giggles and Says No

Ugh, niggas tired as shit because of finals, and mine's haven't even started yet! If I have any grammar errors, forgive me and chalk that up to finals madness.

Okay, I wanted to keep this held in for as long as possible, but fine. I work at Sears. More specifically, Sears, Roebuck & Co. I'm not going to state the area where this Sears is because I don't want someone to google it and they find my blog and shit. That's unnecessary.

I work in Merchandise Pick-Up which is basically where people go to pick-up stuff they can't carry around, so we have to bring it to them from the stock room. It's pretty fun since we get to walk the floor a lot and we rarely have shit to do if no one's picking up. I should stop before a general manager sees this or something. They probably will.

Now, to the point, there's this guy that works at my job. Let's call him Perry. So, Perry is, as we have learned recently, a habitual liar. This guy just lies for no reason. You know how when you were little you had that one kid in your class that always made up fantastic lies? Like, everyone told lies. You might knock over a cup of soda and the teacher will say "Who did that?" and you'll say "I don't know". He's not like that. He's the kid who will just be having a casual toddler conversation and he'll say some shit like "My dad knows the Power Rangers" and be dead ass serious.

So, right, we found out about dude lying hard when he told me and some other co-workers that he was a mixed martial art fighter. Now, his best friend who we'll call Derrick knows he's a liar since he told me this a few days after Perry started working there. I asked Perry what fighting style does he practice and this nigga says "Freestyle. I do my own style." Riiiiight. Perry then tells me I should come to his next match which is on December 15th. I'm like "Whatever, sure", hoping I'd get some form of proof. I ask one of my other co-workers, whom he is trying to talk to who we'll call Bucketheadisha, about it and she says "Oh, he told me the 14th". It turns out he told some of my other co-workers that it was on the 16th.

Now here's the funny story. So it's some new chicks working at Sears and he wants both of the one's working in a particular department. One of my co-workers in Merchandise Pick-Up wanted to talk to one since she's hot and stacked like a video ho, so I'm like "Go for it", you know? I'm one of those guys that would do his best to stay out of the way and not make any cockblocker moves. Another chick starts working in the department with who we'll call Asscheeks and we'll call this chick Titney. Asscheeks is the stacked one if you're getting confused. Titney also happens to be friends with Bucketheadisha(go figure).

So we have:

Perry(the liar)
Derrick(friend of the liar)
Bucketheadisha(. . . Buckethead*)
Asscheeks(Phat butt)
Titney(mediocre face)
(I don't know if you can tell, but I'm confident these people won't read this, but even if they do, I stand by my choice of words)

*Buckethead(n, adj) - A female who acts in a manner undesirable in a girlfriend. One who teases one man and fucks the other. One who desires to be a girlfriend, but can't handle the pressure of not being a ho-bag during a relationship.

synonyms - chickenhead, smutmonkey, Karrine Stefans, cocktease

Antonyms - ingenue, wifey, girlfriend, Janelle Monae

Are you following? Good.

Now, my Merchandise Pick-Up co-worker whom I will call Mark(since that's his real name) calls me on Wednesday I believe to put me up on the situation. Now, Mark, who already called dibs on Asscheeks, says that Perry told him to not talk to Asscheeks because he wanted her. Mark says that at one point him and Perry were going up the escalator and Perry waved to Asscheeks. Perry says "Yo, don't wave to her", but Mark waves to her anyway. So apparently, Perry decides to spew vicious lies that couldn't possibly be true.

1. He claims that both Asscheeks and Titney want his body. He told both of them that he is a virgin(which a lot of people know isn't true just by looking at him) and they believed him. The girl Titney even told Mark that she was going to take his virginity. He also says that one night when all three of them left the store, he walked out and Titney was reaching in his pants while Asscheeks backed up on his penis.

2. He did/almost fucked Asscheeks and Titney in the dressing rooms. The reason I put did/almost is because he told two different people two different stories. Since they are both bi(That is true), they were going to please him at the same time until a co-worker walked in on them.

3. One night Perry and Titney were leaving work and Asscheeks called Titney and asked where "Young Sexy" was(what?). Perry admits that he was upset, though, when Asscheeks asked where Mark was.

3. He alleges that he fought one of our co-workers, who we will call Jim, on the lightrail. Jim is notoriously gay and Perry says that Jim said some gay shit to him and touched his butt and he didn't like it. Perry then pushes Jim and Jim allegedly pulls out a blade on him. They begin fighting and Perry punches Jim and Jim falls in the stairwell leading off of the lightrail. Jim gets up and bangs the shit out of Perry in his eye. After more scuffling, Jim has to get off of the lightrail at his stop and Derrick had to hold Perry back.

All of this shit is pure hogwash. We decided to play a little game with him. Two of my co-workers, who we'll call hot white girl #1 and hot white girl #2, are going to flirt with him and make him think that they want to jump his bones. Me and some of my co-workers are going to talk about hot white girl #1 and hot white girl #2 in front of Perry to get him interested and then we are going to see how everything unfolds. I have my money on outrageous fabrications being made, but who knows? He might see through our little facade.

That's it. There's another morsel on this story, but I think I'll save that for if it turns into a full-course meal.

So I Totally Got Tagged

Well, I guess I can do this since I have a personal blog.

Here are the rules!

1. Link to the person that tagged you(tuotierugif, and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 3 confident statements and then 3 questions about sex.
3. Tag 6 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know that they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

It's simple. Give 3 statements about sex. Ask 3 questions about sex. Tag 6 people. Leave a comment letting them know you tagged them.

1. Sex is fun.

2. I like to have sex.

3. I don't toss salad nor will I ever be on the receiving end of a salad tossing.

1. Why are grown men still lying about sex? Whether they're talking about penis size or how many dames they laid, it's always something stupid. I outgrew that shit when I was like 13.

2. Why is it 2008 and people still aren't giving head? Dead ass. Unless it's for religious reasons or health reasons, I don't see why you're scared to put your face down there. "Oh, that's nasty" No, motherfucker, you tell that person to clean up and you get a dental dam and everyone is happy.

3. Why is it that when a guy wears a shirt like "I <3 pussy", they're the coolest nigga ever but if a chick wears a shirt that says "I <3 dick" they're a ho?

I would tag people, but I don't feel like it. Besides, half of them wouldn't do it anyway.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Well punch me in the ass and call me Audrey Hepburn

I have 13 followers. That trips me out because this time last year the only people that commented my blog were Malcolm Maximillion and a random person every few weeks.

Now, since this might be my last time this week on the internet since tomorrow is going to be "Prince of Persia and Take Home Exams" day(Chances are, I'm lying). I'd just like to be mushy and thank all of my current followers because knowing people actually like reading the bullshit I post makes me feel like hamsters are playing in my lungs. I'll post some other shit, but I just got in from work and I learned a bunch of funny stuff that I can't say out of fear that someone'll read it. Maybe I'll post it. I don't know.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

What me and my brother talk about on the phone. Pt. 2

(After sending me a text message calling me a rapist)
Terrell: You're a dick.

Eric: Don't call me a rapist, cock monkey.
Me: You better chill out before I Donald Duck* your dumb ass.

Terrell: Man, suck a fat one.
(Talking about one of his homegirls who fell for the jailbait)
Me: I don't know what sign she is, but I know one of her traits are crib robbery.
Terrell: I mean, what the fuck, b?

Me: What the fuck what?

Terrell: What the fuck, b?

Me: . . . Nigga, you not clarifying anything. . .
Terrell: I got a female friend named Khaki.

Me:. . . Khaki? Like, the pants? Her parents named her Khaki?

Terrell: Yeah, like khaki pants. She like my best friend. She ugly.


Terrell: For real.

Me: That wasn't nice.

Terrell: She look like a pair of khakis

Terrell: Yo, when I go see Nita Saturday, it's BONER SMASHING TIME!
Me: Oh, she's gonna be at her aunt's house?

Terrell: Yeah

Me: Then you can put your cock on her face

Terrell: Early!
Terrell: Oh My God, Khaki calling me.

Me: *snicker*

Me: Ain't nobody tell you to talk to an ugly girl named Khaki. Where do you find these girls with weird ass names?

Terrell: What you mean, yo?

Me: It's like you have an odd-named female magnet or some shit

Hiilarious Twitter Quotes

Malcolm Maximillion: I like using pink towels after a shower. Its like being inside a woman to me.

$port: This beat makes me wanna throw a Timberland thru a windshield...
(Back to the matter)
Terrell: You know ******* called me in this morning?

Me: Her buckethead ass? What does she want?

Terrell: I don't know, man. I'm about to do it to her again.


Terrell: What's so funny?

Me: That just came out of nowhere.

Terrell: She just acting like she miss the dilz.
Me: What?

Terrell: What?

Me: What?

Terrell: Suck a fat one.

Me: Oh word? Well stick a quarter in ya ass, nigga, cuz you just played yaself!
Me: What the hell are you singing?

Terrell: Streetlights

Me: I don't even fuck with that song. That shit isGETTHEFUCKOUTMYFACE, GNAT.
Me: Yo, this Indian girl has some nice titties. It makes me wanna beat off.
Terrell: Aaaawww. . .

Me: What, did you just ejaculate or some shit?

Terrell: I just bust a. . . bump.

Me: Ooooookay. . .

Terrell: On my thigh.

Me: Alrig-

Terrell: Near my meat.

Me: TOOOOO much information.
Me: You know what, I'm glad you and Rodney found each other because you're both cocks.
Terrell: He got that body & soul.

Me: What? He got that bottle of soul mix?

Terrell: OBAMA!

Me: *spits out mouthful of water*
(Talking about a chick that used to be on my friend list and had twins)
Me: That might have been why I deleted her.

Terrell: Why?

Me: Remember when I cleansed my friends list and deleted a lot of preggers? I can't mess with no chicks with babies. I don't have any kids. What if I go over their house and their kids just sitting there? I ain't got no kids for them to play with.

Terrell: LOL

Me: Why are you laughing? What am I gonna do? Let them play with my PSP? Fuck that. They better suck each other's thumbs or some shit.
Terrell: Did you ever wonder if pushing a baby out feels like pushing out a big ass fart?

Me: Yo. . . why would you ask some shit like that?
Terrell: I bet the world's biggest fart felt real good.

Me: I'm pretty sure the world's biggest fart blew a man's ass open.
Me: I should give Jasmine a dutch oven tomorrow.
Me: You ever had a swag so off the hook you had to do the Harlem Shake?

Terrell: You a bluffing ass nigga.
Me: What?

Terrell: You don't wanna wrestle on the dining room table.
(Listening to Amazing by Kanye and Young Jeezy)
Me: This beat rocking. I need the instrumental so I can rap over it about sad lizards in the desert.
Terrell: Laquecia just text messaged me.

Me: Don't you kids got school tomorrow?

Terrell: Nigga, shut up.
(Waiting for "Spoiled Little L.A. Girl" on "Robocop")
Terrell: Here it come, Eric. . . Here it come, Eric. . . Here it come. . . Here it come. . .

Lil Wayne: You think yo shit don't stink but you are Mrs. P-U!

Me: That was corny. That was really corny.

Terrell: The "Mrs. P-U" line?

Me: Yeah, that shit made my face hurt.
Me: Yo, tired.

Terrell: Who me?

Me: Yeah. You tired as shit.

Terrell: What, you wanna eat my pepperoni?

*A Donald Duck is when you yank someone's nose and then slap it.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Why I haven't been updating lately

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It is 2:43 a.m. and I have to get up at 7. I should be sleep right goddamn now.