Thursday, February 26, 2009

Man vs. Food

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So, yesterday while I was reading the Digital Ape blog, I read a post by Ape James that linked to a website called This is Why You're Fat. It listed and pictured all kinds of food that would probably cause morbidly obese people to jizz their underwear.

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After looking at some of the foods James had posted, I suddenly remembered that I always wanted to try a Luther burger. If you've never heard of the Luther burger, it was made popular by an episode of the Boondocks where Grandpa Freeman got his own restaurant and sold the infamous burger. It is basically a bacon cheeseburger with the buns replaced by glazed donuts. I was delighted at the idea.

So, I proceeded to cook the bacon. . .

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Then the cheeseburger. . .

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and voila, the Luther burger!

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I began to chow down on the behemoth of saturated fat and enjoyed it's juicy, sweet, beefy flavor.

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Halfway through the trans fat titan I felt my heart crying. My arteries went into overload to prepare for the clogging that will take place soon. I began to wonder if making this 4-digit calorie monster was worth it. Once I finished my heart-stopping friend, I proceeded to succumb to the symptoms of. . . the itis.

5 minutes after finishing. . .

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10 minutes after finishing. . .

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12 minutes after finishing. . .

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35 minutes after finishing. . .

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As you can see, after removing the excess food from my digestive system, this unhealthy demon now has room to destroy my system and exit from my body another day.

I can feel my tits growing a full cup size as I type.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

30 Reasons a Woman Should Get "Chris Browned"

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Unfortunately for Chris Brown, the heinous deed he committed a few weeks ago has caused his government name to become a verb that will be synonymous with the severe ass-whoopings of females. Now, while men will be jokingly telling girlfriends and female friends "Chill out before I Chris Brown you", let's look at legitimate reasons for "Chris Browning" your loved one.

1. She ate the last piece of cake.

2. She had sex with your best friend. Twice. While you were downstairs making them both food. Then, skeeting on your pillow and turning it on the other side.

3. She cheated on you. While she was pregnant. Then said "Another man's dick was all near your baby. What you gonna do about it?" FALCON! PAUNCH!

4. She killed your mother.

5. She killed your father.

6. She says your gay for thinking 300 is a "manly movie" because it has a bunch of sweaty men in it. She also says it wasn't that good.

7. She got rid of your porn collection, saying you don't care about her as much as these "porn hos"

8. When her friends ask about you and she says "I love his/her personality. I don't really care about looks."

9. She tries to slide her finger in your butt.

10. She becomes a lesbian and then blames you for it.

11. If she successfully stabs you or shoots you.

12. She breaks your video game system and doesn't pay for a new one.

13. She knows you have a phobia of something so to get you back for something trivial like cheating on her, she, for example, puts a bunch of snakes on you when you're afraid of snakes.

14. She gets you raped.

15. She put a picture of you on the internet when you were drunk involving any of these things:

your anus

your penis

finger painting

a glass bottle

another man

16. You see her in a porno that was filmed recently.

17. She flirts with your dad.

18. She hits you in the testicles. It doesn't matter WHAT they say, if they purposefully cause you testicular harm, that means they opened the cage. You are a Super Saiyan now and they are Frieza.

19. They tossed another man's salad and kissed you in the same day.

20. They fellated another man and kissed you in the same day.

21. She got you sent to jail for no reason. They do that.

22. She tried to reenact the video for "Hit Em Up Style"

23. She tried to reenact the video for "Bust the Windows Out Your Car"

24. She thinks your celebrity crush is ugly

25. She thinks Chipotle burritos are nasty

26. After sex, she says "Your brother was better"

27. She bites your penis. On purpose.

28. She says she "loves you", but refuses to give you oral pleasures.

29. You find out she lied about being a virgin.

30. She thinks video games aren't good Valentine's Day presents

This list was completely tongue-in-cheek. Not all of these are genuine reasons for beating up a woman, but some are. Men know which ones.

The E-Rich Show starring

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Eric as E-Rich

That's me. Sexiest man on the planet who at times transforms into Action Bastard.

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Lashawn as Mom

That's my mother. An intelligent woman who oft-times influences my decisions. Also where I get half of my humor from.

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Eric Sr. as Dad

My father. An intelligent man who oft-times influences my desicions. Where I got the other half of my humor from.

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Jasmine as "Baby Mama"

The woman whom I've been in a 2 year relationship and is now bearing my child. She's a butthole.

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Eugene as Malcolm Maximillion

sidekick of Action BastardFriend of E-Rich. Creates beats and does other stuff, like live with his girlfriend.

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Terrell as T-Jay

The troublemaking, womanizing younger brother. He's so awesome. Or something.

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Kyree as Kyzilla

The youngest brother. Pain in the butt I love him so much.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Because This is So Much Fun

Turning popular movie names into adult film movie names = priceless

- Cumdog Millionaire

- The Dark Pipe

- Babylon B.J.

- Cockbang Dangerous

- Camp Cock

- The Chronicles of Pornia: Princess Lesbian

- The Bi-Curious Case of Benjamin Buttsex

- Handcock

- The Midnight Skeet Train

- One Licked Ball

- Pride and Glory Holes

I was so bored.

This Would Be Like Letting Lupe Fiasco Give Me Facial Reconstruction

I don't know what level of dick-ridery or loyalty this has to be, but I don't give a shit how cool I think you are, you can't touch my face if you barely have tattoo experience. Apparently, Wayne has approximately two weeks of tattooing experience and Tyga thinks it is a good idea to let him tattoo his face because, I assume, he's his boss. He has three dots which are supposed to mean "laugh, then cry" or some retarded shit. Fuck that.

If I ever get a tattoo, you're going to know exactly what it is. I don't want people asking me what my tattoo means, so nothing in Japanese or some symbol or some other lame trash like that.

When the Dog Bites, When the Bee Stings, When I'm Feeling Sad

I go to F*** My Life. This website is hilarious and makes you not feel so bad about your problems. People anonymoulsy post some embarassing, nasty or plain old fucked up shit that happened to them during their day. Here are some examples:

Today, I drove to a job interview. I had to sneeze, but because I was driving on the highway, I didn't let go of the wheel to cover my mouth. I didn't know the sneeze was a "productive" one until I was sitting in the interview, looked down at my new blouse and saw the giant lugie sitting there. FML

Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML

Today, my sister had a friend over and I had just gotten out of the shower. I wrapped something around me and walked across the living room. When I walked through, they both started laughing hysterically. Turns out, I grabbed a poncho and the hole for the head ended up right over my crotch. FML

Today, I arrived at my parents house for dinner. When I got there, I noticed that they had gay pride flags hanging from the porch, and gay rights bumper stickers plastered to their cars. There was also a huge "We accept you, Nick" banner hanging from the garage. I'M NOT GAY! FML

Today, my parents met my boyfriends parents for the first time. Bailing us out of jail. FML

Today, I kissed my girlfriend and she tasted like a cigarette. I don't smoke. She doesn't smoke. My roommate does. FML

Today, I found out my angry ex girlfriend put Nair in my shampoo before moving out of my dorm. I'm now balding at 19. FML

Today, I was happy because my exact shirt and sweater were in seventeen magazine. They were in the "what not to wear" category. FML

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob (I don't normally do it because I have a fear of getting squirt in the eye). Afterwards, I went to suck a lemon to get the taste out of my mouth. Sure enough, I bite the wrong spot and get lemon juice shot right into my eye. FML

That'll teach her

Today, my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled it out and said "Ew, that's stinky" in front of my entire class. FML

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up!". FML

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Gamer x Dad

First, I'm glad everyone sees Kanye how I do right now. I figured someone would think I was hating or being fruity for paying more attention to Kanye's outfit than Amber Rose, but Amber Rose gets her own time later. (Sperm-Friendly 2 coming later. Way later.)

So, I realized today when I suddenly wanted to buy Street Fighter IV that I'm going to have to slow down on the game uptake once the baby is here. That's difficult as shit to come to terms with. I mean, all of the good games come out this year. Tekken 6, God of War III, Infamous, Killzone 2. Not that I won't be able to buy them, but I'm not going to be able to get them soon as they come out, which is my shit.

I do, however, appreciate the fact that I'll get to craft my child's love of video games and hope that it's like mine. I would feel the same way as a dad who primed their child to grow up to play basketball or some other unisex sport or hobby that they partook in when they were younger(Is partook a word? the word processor didn't say shit, so meh).

I want to type more, but I have to take Kyree, my demon-seed younger brother, out for a walk. He turned 11, yesterday, but that doesn't keep him from being a thorn in my scrotum. He's autistic if I didn't mention it, but don't feel all bad. He's still a butthole.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

What the hell, Kanye.

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Let's ignore the broad for a minute. This motherfucker has on a jean jacket over a sweater over a button up with a bowtie on it. Now, I haven't been a fan of jean jacket outfits since I had a State Property outfit when I was like 13, but his pants dark as shit compared to his jacket. Now, I'm not claiming to be a fashion connoisseur, but this outfit is just frustrating to me.

And he still has that fucking shag.

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I'd drag my . . . I'd do nasty things to her body.

She almost makes the shag forgivable. . .

No she doesn't.

Thanks a lot, Jasmine

Well, I was hoping I'd keep this a secret until I could take actual pictures of it, but my girlfriend decided to write a blog about it.

I'm gonna be a father soon.

Yes, my magnificence will now be taking the form of an infant in several months and to tell the truth, I'm not really scared. I mean, I look on the bright side of it, It's not like I'm still in high school. I'm actually older than my father was when he got my mom pregnant (I'll be 20 in over a month) and most of my family that I've told so far has been supportive and some even excited.

So, while being my same painfully honest, nerdy self I'll keep you posted on the upcoming baby. Being that a hefty amount of my followers are women, I'm sure you'll love that shit.

You can see my girlfriend's "pregnancy blog" right here.

What she REALLY means

I took one of my friends little facebook notes and. . . corrected it and I thought it came out pretty well. The result is:

Think women are so "difficult" to understand? No they're not, you're just a stupid pussy. Allow your old buddy Eric to walk you through some of women's most common catchphrases.

1) "im gay"
She really means: "I don't find you that attractive, sir. I'm not actually gay, but I did dabble in some 'lesbian-esque' activities with my girlfriends that I won't be telling anyone with a penis about anytime soon."

2) be in da bed bout ta go ta sleep and i say "its hot"
She really means: "If you don't take advantage of me, I'm telling everyone you're a fag."

3) "im not ova mii ex yet"
She really means: "Don't be surprised if he leaves any comments on my myspace that includes the words 'pussy', 'dick', 'my house', 'blowjob', 'your face', 'tomorrow' or 'fuck that other nigga'"

4) "nigga i dont need you"
She really means: "I'm going to bitch the shit out of you right now, but soon as I'm all emotional and shit, don't bring up the fact that I just said this."

5) "i be gettin bored wit u"
She really means: "I had another man's dick all in my mouth yesterday because he took me to Cheesecake Factory. What are you gonna do about it?"

6) "i dont see why we cant just go..."
She really means: "This is your last chance to take me out. You know what? I should've fucked your best friend. I really should've. He look like Trey Songz, too."

7) "You frontin"
She really means: "Why are you doing what I'm supposed to do? You caught me off guard with that shit. I'm gonna be right back after I figure out how pissed I'm supposed to be"

8) "im not like these otha bitches out here"
She really means: "Yeah, I am"

9) "It's a long story." (tj)
She really means: "It involves gratuitous amounts of sex. Probably a train or a g of some short. Hell, it might've happened this morning, but you'll never know."

10) "u can try ta talk ta my homegirl but idk wat she gon say"
She really means: "You go ahead and take the chance, but don't come back over here. I got my eyes on your Trey Songz looking friend."

11) "yea mii homegirl mad cool"
She really means: "My friend + one blunt + 3 cups of Jack Daniels mixed with anything = Story for your friends tomorrow"

12) After being rejected..."oh ard i jis thought we was cool anywayz"
She really means: "YOU BITCH. YOU FUCKED UP HARD."

13) "i wanna take it slow"
She really means: "Keep your hands away from my jeans. Unless you tryna wife, you get tit action only."

14) "i need an around da way nigga"
She really means: "I really don't feel like traveling for some cock. I need a fine, young fellow in the immediate vicinity who is adequate for my needs."

15) "Yea, i guess you're right." (tj)
She really means: "You're wrong. You're wrong as shit. I just don't feel like talking about it anymore."

16) "Thats not what I meant."
She really means: "That's totally what I meant, but I was hoping you would bitch up. I kinda see how Rihanna feels."

17) When i'm CLEARLY mad but i say "I'm fine" or "It's whatever", etc. (tj)
She really means: "Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Shut up. Shut up."

18) "Can we talk about this later?" (tj)
She really means:" Let's never talk about this again."

19) "yea ok'
She really means: "We'll see about that shit next week."

20) "Did you cum?"
She really means: "I know you didn't. When guys cum, you shoot shit out your dick and shake and growl like a monkey. I just want you to get off me. I'm not even wet anymore, it's chafing."

Authored by Kiera Hawkins and "TJ"
Revised by Eric Richardson

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Eric <3's Hip-Hop

The Chris Brown/Rihanna ass-whooping is getting old now. People are paying more attention to how Rihanna and Christina are going to bounce back then the fact that Chris Brown beat her ass. We're not talking about a simple swift backhand, we're talking about a Tekken combo.

MC Hammer getting his own reality show is so "Blah". Especially for A&E. No one's going to reach the height that Flava Flav did with "Flavor of Love", but that's because Flava Flav is actually entertaining. They could give that nigga a cooking show and there would still be quotables. That's not such a bad idea, actually.

Bone Thugs & Harmony + K-Fed = LAWL

I don't know who to be angrier at: Bone Thugs for thinking this will work or Kevin Federline for still trying. Let's hope they make another "Popazao".

Raz-B really needs to just come out of the closet. All he's getting right now is a lot of animosity from everyone for acting like such an attention whore.

I believe at this point that beating up Suge Knight isn't really a feat anymore. If Suge Knight gets mollywhopped after the Akon's manager fiasco, they shouldn't brag about it. Unless they're Vanilla Ice.

Aubrey O'Day is bi? What else is new?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Shit Just Got Real

- Yeah it did.

- I decided I'm going to stop doing these. These might not be as "intimate" as some of my readers would prefer it to be.

- I mean, I'm not posting shoes and expensive ass jackets, so that only means I get to talk about myself.

- This especially hit me when I posted some clothes I liked and no one said shit at all. I wonder if I even have readers anymore.

- It doesn't matter. I'm still going to post meaningless tripe.

- I can read back over this when I'm old and talk about how cool I was.

- I've slacked off for a while, but I don't care. I'm tired.

- I read Reverend Run's son's blog.

- I'm going to be honest, it's like every other person's blog that imitates Kanye's except we care because he's a B-list celebrity.

- I think his little clothing line "Space Cadet" might be cool, though.

- You should watch Chowder. It's funny as shit.

- I found out something today. I'm not telling anyone on the internet because it's none of your business at the moment.

- My mother is completely apathetic to me getting my goddamn FAFSA done, but if she doesn't give me some paperwork, I'm gonna be broke next semester.

- I see me taking pictures isn't going over so well. My bad.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Speakerboxxin Pics

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I took all of these. Yes, I did.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I'd Skeet Her So Hard People Call Her Patti Mayonnaise

- Yo, there's a black dude with an unkempt afro and a rolling suitcase sitting two computers in front of me mumbling about section 8, the government and saying "yeah, motherfucker" three or so times ever few seconds.

- This indian dude and white girl walked past looking nervous as shit.

- I hope he doesn't go nuts.

- Being murdered in the Albin O. Kuhn Library was never how I thought I'd go out.

- Possibly in a scuffle. A robbery gone wrong perhaps.

- I have money now. Yay. Well, I need to stay in the mind state that I'm broke so I won't spend it all.

- I can't touch my savings until the summer. I have big plans.

- Myrtle Beach. Otakon. Family Reunion. Older women.

- ;)

- I was watching the episode of Family Guy where Lois and Peter kept smoking weed and it was hilarious. If you've actually smoked or know someone who does, it's a lot funnier.

- "All I wanna do is bake cookies!"

- I promise I'm going to change my blog layout by May. Maybe June. This shit is drab.

- So the story about ChRianna that I've heard and believe is that Rihanna and Chris were at a Grammy party and she threw his Lamborghini keys out of the window during an argument. Chris couldn't find his keys, so he struck her. Several times.

- I mean, that's a Lamborghini, though.

- I have this habit of looking at my own myspace a lot. I feel that the way I design my shit is perfect.

- Is that conceited?

- The dude in front of me isn't making noise anymore. He might be high on sherum.

- I hate warm weather. I walk around for 15 minutes and start sweating.

- I'm really not that out of shape. I have a glandular problem or some shit.

- I can't believe I have, like, 3 and a half-hours between classes.

- I promise I'm going to feature a "The Shit Me and My Brother Talk About On the Phone" soon as we get my internet back up.

- A matter of fact, we're going to make a v-blog.

- Raven Symone is hot. I'd bone away her hopes and dreams.

- She'd become middle-class and want to live with me and I'd be all "I'm sorry, but my heart belongs to someone else. The doggystle was great, though."

- Okay, now homeboy in front of me made a weird sneezing/orgasm noise. Ah, shit, he's talking again.

- He sounds like a protagonist in a blaxploitation film.

- This lady just looked at me and made the "crazy" gesture.

- You know, where you put your finger next to your head and twirl it around?

- That dude has to be high. He's high.

- "All I wanna do is bake cookies!"

- Someone's going to snitch on him. This is a quiet floor. Let's not snitch on the pickaninnies black kids that talk all loud on the phone to their friends and shit, but let's get the crazy minority put off the campus.

- How the FUCK do I get to my imeem playlist!? I can make one, but I can't get to it for shit. This is why I don't fuck with imeem. Peace of shit. I might as well make a playlist on myspace(/rant)

- He's gone. Thank Flying Spaghetti Monster.

- "All I wanna do is bake cookies!"

- I have to click on my own name to get to my playlist? How dookie is that?

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- That's my valentine.

Cthulhu Pictures, Images and Photos

- That's Cthulhu