Vagina Dentata! What a Wonderful Phrase!

I don't know why I'm typing this at work, but we haven't had a pick-up in, like, an hour so I'm confident I could complete this.

I was playing Dead Space last night when I started thinking about all of the retarded myths I heard about sex when I was young. I decided I would post them and see which ones still hold true or false.


1. Women don't like having sex.

False. I used to believe, when I was around nine, that women didn't enjoy having sex. I figured they just gave us coochie because we were men and we wanted it. That was super wrong. I then later on learned from my dealing with females that they can actually manipulate you into believing otherwise through a method called "bluffing" and then finally taking you for the penis before you even know what hits you.

2. If you masturbate, you don't get any pussy. At All.

False. I used to feel guilty when I was, like, twelve because I used to beat off like a madman. Turns out that unless you are Denzel Washington, you can't just walk out of your house and point at a chick and get some coochie immediately. Even when you have a girlfriend, you'll always have Palmela. She's been through the thick and the thin, the hard times and all of the sticky situations.

3. A virgin is someone who does it to their cousin.

False. Don't laugh at me. When my friend told me that when I was eight I believed that shit. A matter of fact, one of my classmates said "Yeah, I'm a virgin" and no one really cared. That's fucked up.

4. Pussies have teeth.

False. I can see how if a chick doesn't take proper care of it, it might feel like it, but that's stupid. I believe there may have been cases of vagina dentata, but not enough to believe that a high percentage of women have it. I'm sure it's some myth some guy created to keep his son from sticking his dick in places it doesn't belong.

5. Masturbating makes your hands hairy/your eyes blind/your penis small.

Ha! Hahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

6. Gay men are obvious.

False. I mean, look at Lil Wayne. He's done more gay shit than the average man can get away with and a majority of people genuinely believe he only likes women, but Kanye wears a yellow shirt and regular fit jeans and suddenly he's a flaming fag. America needs to figure something out.

7. Ugly sex is the best sex.

. . . The verdicts still out on that one. I do know that after you smash a buttaface and get the cum demon out, you start to realize the serious mistake you've made.

8. If you eat out, you can't please with your penis.

Super false. A lot of the guys who believe this end up embarassing themselves. Trying some shit they have no business doing or something.

9. Women don't have orgasms.

That's totally false. Trust me, I know.

10. Women like guys with money.

True and false. If that's the only way you get girls, then look forward to a lot of disappointment in your life.


Maybe more later. I should be helping clean the compactor after these assholes filled it with shit that shouldn't be there.

Bluffing Like a Girl That Giggles and Says No

Ugh, niggas tired as shit because of finals, and mine's haven't even started yet! If I have any grammar errors, forgive me and chalk that up to finals madness.

Okay, I wanted to keep this held in for as long as possible, but fine. I work at Sears. More specifically, Sears, Roebuck & Co. I'm not going to state the area where this Sears is because I don't want someone to google it and they find my blog and shit. That's unnecessary.

I work in Merchandise Pick-Up which is basically where people go to pick-up stuff they can't carry around, so we have to bring it to them from the stock room. It's pretty fun since we get to walk the floor a lot and we rarely have shit to do if no one's picking up. I should stop before a general manager sees this or something. They probably will.

Now, to the point, there's this guy that works at my job. Let's call him Perry. So, Perry is, as we have learned recently, a habitual liar. This guy just lies for no reason. You know how when you were little you had that one kid in your class that always made up fantastic lies? Like, everyone told lies. You might knock over a cup of soda and the teacher will say "Who did that?" and you'll say "I don't know". He's not like that. He's the kid who will just be having a casual toddler conversation and he'll say some shit like "My dad knows the Power Rangers" and be dead ass serious.

So, right, we found out about dude lying hard when he told me and some other co-workers that he was a mixed martial art fighter. Now, his best friend who we'll call Derrick knows he's a liar since he told me this a few days after Perry started working there. I asked Perry what fighting style does he practice and this nigga says "Freestyle. I do my own style." Riiiiight. Perry then tells me I should come to his next match which is on December 15th. I'm like "Whatever, sure", hoping I'd get some form of proof. I ask one of my other co-workers, whom he is trying to talk to who we'll call Bucketheadisha, about it and she says "Oh, he told me the 14th". It turns out he told some of my other co-workers that it was on the 16th.

Now here's the funny story. So it's some new chicks working at Sears and he wants both of the one's working in a particular department. One of my co-workers in Merchandise Pick-Up wanted to talk to one since she's hot and stacked like a video ho, so I'm like "Go for it", you know? I'm one of those guys that would do his best to stay out of the way and not make any cockblocker moves. Another chick starts working in the department with who we'll call Asscheeks and we'll call this chick Titney. Asscheeks is the stacked one if you're getting confused. Titney also happens to be friends with Bucketheadisha(go figure).

So we have:

Perry(the liar)
Derrick(friend of the liar)
Bucketheadisha(. . . Buckethead*)
Asscheeks(Phat butt)
Titney(mediocre face)
(I don't know if you can tell, but I'm confident these people won't read this, but even if they do, I stand by my choice of words)

*Buckethead(n, adj) - A female who acts in a manner undesirable in a girlfriend. One who teases one man and fucks the other. One who desires to be a girlfriend, but can't handle the pressure of not being a ho-bag during a relationship.

synonyms - chickenhead, smutmonkey, Karrine Stefans, cocktease

Antonyms - ingenue, wifey, girlfriend, Janelle Monae

Are you following? Good.

Now, my Merchandise Pick-Up co-worker whom I will call Mark(since that's his real name) calls me on Wednesday I believe to put me up on the situation. Now, Mark, who already called dibs on Asscheeks, says that Perry told him to not talk to Asscheeks because he wanted her. Mark says that at one point him and Perry were going up the escalator and Perry waved to Asscheeks. Perry says "Yo, don't wave to her", but Mark waves to her anyway. So apparently, Perry decides to spew vicious lies that couldn't possibly be true.

1. He claims that both Asscheeks and Titney want his body. He told both of them that he is a virgin(which a lot of people know isn't true just by looking at him) and they believed him. The girl Titney even told Mark that she was going to take his virginity. He also says that one night when all three of them left the store, he walked out and Titney was reaching in his pants while Asscheeks backed up on his penis.

2. He did/almost fucked Asscheeks and Titney in the dressing rooms. The reason I put did/almost is because he told two different people two different stories. Since they are both bi(That is true), they were going to please him at the same time until a co-worker walked in on them.

3. One night Perry and Titney were leaving work and Asscheeks called Titney and asked where "Young Sexy" was(what?). Perry admits that he was upset, though, when Asscheeks asked where Mark was.

3. He alleges that he fought one of our co-workers, who we will call Jim, on the lightrail. Jim is notoriously gay and Perry says that Jim said some gay shit to him and touched his butt and he didn't like it. Perry then pushes Jim and Jim allegedly pulls out a blade on him. They begin fighting and Perry punches Jim and Jim falls in the stairwell leading off of the lightrail. Jim gets up and bangs the shit out of Perry in his eye. After more scuffling, Jim has to get off of the lightrail at his stop and Derrick had to hold Perry back.

All of this shit is pure hogwash. We decided to play a little game with him. Two of my co-workers, who we'll call hot white girl #1 and hot white girl #2, are going to flirt with him and make him think that they want to jump his bones. Me and some of my co-workers are going to talk about hot white girl #1 and hot white girl #2 in front of Perry to get him interested and then we are going to see how everything unfolds. I have my money on outrageous fabrications being made, but who knows? He might see through our little facade.

That's it. There's another morsel on this story, but I think I'll save that for if it turns into a full-course meal.

Fuck are You Talking About, 2 pistols?

I've decided I'm going to have a little joint called "Fuck are You Talking About?" because some niggas just say the dumbest shit.



First to receive this honor is 2 Pistols. I really wasn't paying attention to this dude until he said:

"I'm not Hurricane Chris, I'm not Mims, I'm not Rich Boy. My movement is like Jay-Z's, Jeezy's T.I.'s or 50's shit."

My cynicism couldn't be stronger. He also refers to his debut Death Before Dishonor saying:

"My life is in this album. Everything that I went through prior to getting this deal--from my daughter, to my brother gettin' killed in prison, and my court experience--it's pretty much wrapped up in this album"

Mmm, sounds primed for floppage.