Sunday, December 7, 2008

Bluffing Like a Girl That Giggles and Says No

Ugh, niggas tired as shit because of finals, and mine's haven't even started yet! If I have any grammar errors, forgive me and chalk that up to finals madness.

Okay, I wanted to keep this held in for as long as possible, but fine. I work at Sears. More specifically, Sears, Roebuck & Co. I'm not going to state the area where this Sears is because I don't want someone to google it and they find my blog and shit. That's unnecessary.

I work in Merchandise Pick-Up which is basically where people go to pick-up stuff they can't carry around, so we have to bring it to them from the stock room. It's pretty fun since we get to walk the floor a lot and we rarely have shit to do if no one's picking up. I should stop before a general manager sees this or something. They probably will.

Now, to the point, there's this guy that works at my job. Let's call him Perry. So, Perry is, as we have learned recently, a habitual liar. This guy just lies for no reason. You know how when you were little you had that one kid in your class that always made up fantastic lies? Like, everyone told lies. You might knock over a cup of soda and the teacher will say "Who did that?" and you'll say "I don't know". He's not like that. He's the kid who will just be having a casual toddler conversation and he'll say some shit like "My dad knows the Power Rangers" and be dead ass serious.

So, right, we found out about dude lying hard when he told me and some other co-workers that he was a mixed martial art fighter. Now, his best friend who we'll call Derrick knows he's a liar since he told me this a few days after Perry started working there. I asked Perry what fighting style does he practice and this nigga says "Freestyle. I do my own style." Riiiiight. Perry then tells me I should come to his next match which is on December 15th. I'm like "Whatever, sure", hoping I'd get some form of proof. I ask one of my other co-workers, whom he is trying to talk to who we'll call Bucketheadisha, about it and she says "Oh, he told me the 14th". It turns out he told some of my other co-workers that it was on the 16th.

Now here's the funny story. So it's some new chicks working at Sears and he wants both of the one's working in a particular department. One of my co-workers in Merchandise Pick-Up wanted to talk to one since she's hot and stacked like a video ho, so I'm like "Go for it", you know? I'm one of those guys that would do his best to stay out of the way and not make any cockblocker moves. Another chick starts working in the department with who we'll call Asscheeks and we'll call this chick Titney. Asscheeks is the stacked one if you're getting confused. Titney also happens to be friends with Bucketheadisha(go figure).

So we have:

Perry(the liar)
Derrick(friend of the liar)
Bucketheadisha(. . . Buckethead*)
Asscheeks(Phat butt)
Titney(mediocre face)
(I don't know if you can tell, but I'm confident these people won't read this, but even if they do, I stand by my choice of words)

*Buckethead(n, adj) - A female who acts in a manner undesirable in a girlfriend. One who teases one man and fucks the other. One who desires to be a girlfriend, but can't handle the pressure of not being a ho-bag during a relationship.

synonyms - chickenhead, smutmonkey, Karrine Stefans, cocktease

Antonyms - ingenue, wifey, girlfriend, Janelle Monae

Are you following? Good.

Now, my Merchandise Pick-Up co-worker whom I will call Mark(since that's his real name) calls me on Wednesday I believe to put me up on the situation. Now, Mark, who already called dibs on Asscheeks, says that Perry told him to not talk to Asscheeks because he wanted her. Mark says that at one point him and Perry were going up the escalator and Perry waved to Asscheeks. Perry says "Yo, don't wave to her", but Mark waves to her anyway. So apparently, Perry decides to spew vicious lies that couldn't possibly be true.

1. He claims that both Asscheeks and Titney want his body. He told both of them that he is a virgin(which a lot of people know isn't true just by looking at him) and they believed him. The girl Titney even told Mark that she was going to take his virginity. He also says that one night when all three of them left the store, he walked out and Titney was reaching in his pants while Asscheeks backed up on his penis.

2. He did/almost fucked Asscheeks and Titney in the dressing rooms. The reason I put did/almost is because he told two different people two different stories. Since they are both bi(That is true), they were going to please him at the same time until a co-worker walked in on them.

3. One night Perry and Titney were leaving work and Asscheeks called Titney and asked where "Young Sexy" was(what?). Perry admits that he was upset, though, when Asscheeks asked where Mark was.

3. He alleges that he fought one of our co-workers, who we will call Jim, on the lightrail. Jim is notoriously gay and Perry says that Jim said some gay shit to him and touched his butt and he didn't like it. Perry then pushes Jim and Jim allegedly pulls out a blade on him. They begin fighting and Perry punches Jim and Jim falls in the stairwell leading off of the lightrail. Jim gets up and bangs the shit out of Perry in his eye. After more scuffling, Jim has to get off of the lightrail at his stop and Derrick had to hold Perry back.

All of this shit is pure hogwash. We decided to play a little game with him. Two of my co-workers, who we'll call hot white girl #1 and hot white girl #2, are going to flirt with him and make him think that they want to jump his bones. Me and some of my co-workers are going to talk about hot white girl #1 and hot white girl #2 in front of Perry to get him interested and then we are going to see how everything unfolds. I have my money on outrageous fabrications being made, but who knows? He might see through our little facade.

That's it. There's another morsel on this story, but I think I'll save that for if it turns into a full-course meal.


DNelson said...

Sweet Jesus keep going this is getting juicy. Please let there be a part two!

N.I.K.E. said...

Yeah Dude. This Getting Interesting.

$port said...

dude, i used to work at Sears too lol...

i sold i was the dude that you cussed out under your breath when you had to get shit ready for pick-up....

dom corleone said...

Damn I wish the drama at my job was this interesting.. and some of them chicks sound like freaks LOL I wouldn't mind working with them..

Good luck on finals fam

Super Woman said...

whats up with u and not telling the whole damnnnn story!!!! LOL

but wait this is too funny we're waiting for the continuation.

And i KNEW dom liked the chicken head/bucket head type girls .... i knew it LOL

Frederick Lazarus said...

post the rest of the story soon. this shits madd interesting

Malcolm Maximillion said...

I knew I should have gotten a part time job up there

Tuotierugif >^..^<© said...

that dude sounds crazy lol