Vagina Dentata! What a Wonderful Phrase!

I don't know why I'm typing this at work, but we haven't had a pick-up in, like, an hour so I'm confident I could complete this.

I was playing Dead Space last night when I started thinking about all of the retarded myths I heard about sex when I was young. I decided I would post them and see which ones still hold true or false.


1. Women don't like having sex.

False. I used to believe, when I was around nine, that women didn't enjoy having sex. I figured they just gave us coochie because we were men and we wanted it. That was super wrong. I then later on learned from my dealing with females that they can actually manipulate you into believing otherwise through a method called "bluffing" and then finally taking you for the penis before you even know what hits you.

2. If you masturbate, you don't get any pussy. At All.

False. I used to feel guilty when I was, like, twelve because I used to beat off like a madman. Turns out that unless you are Denzel Washington, you can't just walk out of your house and point at a chick and get some coochie immediately. Even when you have a girlfriend, you'll always have Palmela. She's been through the thick and the thin, the hard times and all of the sticky situations.

3. A virgin is someone who does it to their cousin.

False. Don't laugh at me. When my friend told me that when I was eight I believed that shit. A matter of fact, one of my classmates said "Yeah, I'm a virgin" and no one really cared. That's fucked up.

4. Pussies have teeth.

False. I can see how if a chick doesn't take proper care of it, it might feel like it, but that's stupid. I believe there may have been cases of vagina dentata, but not enough to believe that a high percentage of women have it. I'm sure it's some myth some guy created to keep his son from sticking his dick in places it doesn't belong.

5. Masturbating makes your hands hairy/your eyes blind/your penis small.

Ha! Hahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

6. Gay men are obvious.

False. I mean, look at Lil Wayne. He's done more gay shit than the average man can get away with and a majority of people genuinely believe he only likes women, but Kanye wears a yellow shirt and regular fit jeans and suddenly he's a flaming fag. America needs to figure something out.

7. Ugly sex is the best sex.

. . . The verdicts still out on that one. I do know that after you smash a buttaface and get the cum demon out, you start to realize the serious mistake you've made.

8. If you eat out, you can't please with your penis.

Super false. A lot of the guys who believe this end up embarassing themselves. Trying some shit they have no business doing or something.

9. Women don't have orgasms.

That's totally false. Trust me, I know.

10. Women like guys with money.

True and false. If that's the only way you get girls, then look forward to a lot of disappointment in your life.


Maybe more later. I should be helping clean the compactor after these assholes filled it with shit that shouldn't be there.