Sorry, I Thought I Was a Lizard Earlier

- I should be sleep, but let's be honest, I hate math and I doubt my grade for that class is going to be awesome.

- With a baby on the way, I need to get on my shit, though.

- No, seriously. I'm going to have to start doing homework with the baby on my lap and if he throws up on it, he goes in the box.

- That was a joke.

- Probably.

- I've realized that since Jasmine and Mini-me will be staying at my house for his first week of breathing air, mad people are going to come try to see my child.

- I don't know if I'm going to have to make a list or what, but motherfuckers ain't going to be breathing their H1N1 breath all on my son.

- I need to start stocking up on pocket hand sanitizers.

- And certain people need to be checked about shit that won't be allowed around my baby, such as cigarette smoke and being dirty.

- I'm not being funny.

- But this is funny:

atlantabrotha: @SBnewnie how can you receive head and you are a female that makes no sense.
atlantabrotha: @SBnewnie maybe cause I'm straight I don't know about any of that lezbo stuff and don't wanna know about it cause it's wrong.
SBnewnie: @atlantabrotha i am str8.. like wht dnt yu understand?? i like gettin head.. females get head.. its 2009.. niggas is DOME'n off religiously(lol@religiously)
@SBnewnie oh I gotcha you like your pussy ate oh ok I was a lil confused for a minute my bad.

- I'm trying really hard not to generalize people from Atlanta and make jokes about how dumb people from the south are, I have family down there.

- UFC game? Piff.

- My girlfriend actually got me watching Ultimate Fighting Championship. Isn't that a bitch?

- Not Jasmine. She's not a bitch.

- Seriously, I'm purchasing that game. I was going to get Fight Night, but I think I'm gonna go with mixed martial arts on this one.

- My mom isn't home and I have no stupid leaves. TeH GEYzorz.

- I mean, come on, you know something went wrong during puberty when you only think lesbians get ate out.

-

- Yoooooooooooooo, I got a son.

Snurshdurgeshdir

- They completely unblocked blogger on the Sears blocky shit. YA-HA.

- So, right, me and Jasmine saw this very, very, painfully hideous woman on Saturday. So ugly, in fact, that we had to make up a word for her:

Snurshdurgeshdir

From this point forth, Snurshdurgeshdir is a phrase to be used for someone's who's facial deficiencies are otherwordly. On a scale of 1 to 10, this title represents the negatives. A blind man could see how ugly this person is. When you say it, make sure you say it in the ugliest way you can possibly muster.

- I want to get on Lookbook.nu, but unfortunately, 75 percent of my wardrobe consists of jeans and t-shirts. Why can't you just admire how great my t-shirts are and not whether I can make a pair of Doc Martens work with a lime green cardigan?

- Baby mode is in full effect. We're planning the baby shower and are about to go get our gift registry Thursday.

- I need to plan on spending a night at my cousin Brandon's house. Brandon is my favorite cousin and I can be mega nerdy around him. This Eric you see, now? This is only half of my nerd power. When me and Brandon are around each other, I'm talking pocket protectors and pushing your glasses up nerdy.

- I'm considering making another blog, but what would it be about? Clothes? Video games? Women? I don't know.

- If I ever make a mixtape/album, I'm getting DJ Imp to hook me up with some beats. He knows my little ho brother. I also decided my rap name would be Wade Wilson. Google it. No, it's not named after the football player.

- So, I just did a pick-up for an older Asian couple and my co-worker said they had an exchange that went something like this:

Co-worker: "Do you have a car?"
Gentleman: "Yes. Do I pull it around?"
Co-Worker: "Yes"
Gentleman: "So I pull up here?"
Co-Worker: "Yes"
Gentleman: "In here?"
Co-Worker: "No, you can't drive the car into the store lol"

- Also, do me a favor and download the Cool Kids new mixtape Gone Fishin. That shit is a bang-aah.

What Me and My Brother Talk About On the Phone(Guest starring Jasmine again)

Terrell: You tell Jade(Jasmine's sister) I have a crush on her
Jasmine: No
Me: He's legal now
Jasmine: (Telling Jade he's legal). . . Oh, stop that! Don't get that look on your face. He is not a sweetheart, he is a hooker!

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Terrell: Jasmine sensitive.
Me: Jasmine's more sensitive than infant clit.

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Jade:(To Jasmine)Do you have a heart underneath all that booby?

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Terrell: Me and Jordan(Jasmine's brother) had a conversation about being uncles.
Jade: We're family now.
Me:(singing) We are a family, like a giant tree! Branching into the skyyyyyyyy!
Jasmine: You both are gay.
Me: Yep, that's Jasmine now.

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Me: Do you like fishsticks?
Terrell: Do you?
Me: Nigga, do you like fishsticks!?
Terrell: No.
Me: Ah, fuck. . . you sure?
Terrell: Hold on, dickhead.
Me: Dammit.

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Terrell: Yo gay! He said he confused.
Me: I don't like your tone of jokes. I'm gonna cauterize your butthole shut and feed you laxatives.

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Me: What did you just eat?
Jasmine: Pizza and apple juice.
Me: It sound like you just ate a human being.

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Terrell: Whooooo! My bad. I always get hype playing basketball and footbal.
Me: Nothing gets him horny like watching sweaty black men rubbing against each other.

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Jasmine: If I wanted to pay 78 dollars for a crib, how much would you put up?
Me: 78.
Jasmine: Why?
Me: Because it costs less than I expected so I can still get some Yeezy's.

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Me: Keebduhpigjuhugot
Terrell: What?
Me: Keebduhpigjuhugot
Terrell: What?
Me: GOT A MOUTHFUL OF EGGS LIKE BACON AND CHEESE!

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Terrell: Why don't you like Hawaiian Punch?
Me: Because she's anti-black.
Jasmine: How is that black?
Me: Because it gives us diabetes.

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Jasmine: I wish I had an afro like Beyonce's. A nice 70s afro.
Me: Oh! I thought you said you wish you had an "asshole" like Beyonce's.
Jasmine: Yeah. . . I don't know what her asshole looks like.
Me: I would love to find out.

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Me: Damn, whatever happened to Theardra? I haven't heard from her in, like, months.
Jasmine: We talked to her last week.
Me: Look, I got really high twice in the past week.

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Me: (Talking about a girl that called Jasmine a clown) That was very bold. Jasmine usually attacks people for saying shit like that.
Jasmine: What?
Me: Nothing. You a cutie pie.

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Me: Why does Timothy(Nikavelli) look just like Timbaland? It's like Timbaland was making a beat and then he suddenly started grunting and pulled a chunk of himself out and it was Tim.

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Jasmine: I'm afraid our son will come out extremely gorgeous and when he grows up, girls will flock to his penis!
Me: I don't care, as long as he keeps that rubber on his meat.

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What Me and My Brother Talk About On the Phone(Guest starring Jasmine)

Me: I'm about to look at some baby onesies!
Terrell: I took a dump this morning.
Me: . . . Why did you need to tell me that?
Terrell: In the first floor bathroom. While I was making waffles.
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Me: That's my angry demon voice. RRRAAAARRGGH!
Terrell: It sounds like somebody burned you and it sting when you piss.
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Terrell: Yo, this girl Nita got a banging body, son.
Me: Then skeet on it.
Terrell: I don't have her number anymore.
Me: Damn! FAIL!
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Terrell: Yo, ******* mad at me, yo.
Me: Why do you keep talking about her?
Terrell: Because she so cute
Me: Angry baby face.
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Jasmine: What are you doing?
Terrell: Listening to Drake.
Jasmine: Drake?
Me: Man, she don't know who Drake is.
Jasmine: Like Drake and Josh?
Me: Wow.
Terrell: She just went gay on me.
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Terrell: Remember Britney that lived across the street from Eugene?
Me: Yeah?
Terrell: She like girls now.
Me: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATSHEADYKE!?
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Terrell: Jasmine. I need a girlfriend.
Me: He says this, like, every month.
Jasmine: I'm bout to slap him.
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Terrell: Jasmine, Eric won't write a blog about me.
Eric: No, this nigga wants me to write a biography about him and shit.
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(Talking about Drake)

Jasmine: Do they taste good?
Terrell: What?
Jasmine: His nuts.
Eric: Aww, she carried you! You gonna let her carry you?
Terrell: Nah, I got her.
Jasmine: You didn't answer me.
Me: AAAWWWW! SHE STILL SLIDING YOU!
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Me: Yo, I'm about to take a dump.
Terrell: I'ma get off the phone then.
Me: why you always gotta get OFF THE PHONE!?
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