Sarcasm is my middle name. No, it's not. I'm a Liar.

If you ask anyone that talks to me, I'm really a sarcastic person. Nowadays, people just claim sarcasm because they think that it's cool. That shit is totally annoying, seeing people in shirts that say "I'm fluent in sarcasm". Hell, even shit like this:



"Look at me! I'll say the opposite of what I really mean with a smug tone and that shows my bitchy attitude! I'm cooler than you because I suffer from anti-social personality disorder!"

Look, I really don't know how to control my sarcasm, sometimes even unleashing it on some random stranger. It just surprises me when people ask dumb, obvious questions and then get offended.

"Was there just a car accident?"
"No. Why would you think that? Is it the two destroyed cars in the middle of the street or the debris all over the ground? Perhaps the ambulance right there?"

It's a defense mechanism.

I remember a time when I was in 3rd grade and the teacher said "Draw what you want to be when you grow up". I didn't fucking know, I was 8, so I just drew an astronaut." She said "Why an astronaut? Try again." So, out of anger, I drew a Shoe City cashier and she took my paper and I started crying. I don't really want to be a Shoe City cashier, but I was like "Fuck it, if you won't take what I give you." She probably would've thought I was one of those at-risk children if I wasn't already the smartest one in the class.

Those fake sarcasm motherfuckers are one of two kinds of people I hate. People that tell other people they're sarcastic and people that tell people they're funny. Technically, I'm the first one now, which means I must commit seppuku, but I could never be the second. Those obnoxious assholes.

Oh, I Almost Forgot

Since this motherfucker's gained fans on my blog, his birthday passed Saturday.



He's 18. Please keep the sexual comments to a minimum.

Display Names That Make Me LOL

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Well call my mind officially fucked.

Trust me, you'll find out what's so fucking creepy if you do it right.

Tom Green Blacked on Fox News

This is like the Canadian spoken word version of "Sly Fox". Is it bad I've watched this like 6 times?

Phony PPL

So that guy Dyme-A-Duzin I posted a while ago? He started a band with his friends and guess what? They don't suck! That means you should go listen to them.

PHONY PPL myspace

So, I Just Happened to Search Vagina on Photobucket

I swear, I have a totally legitimate reason for doing so. These pictures, however, just made me laugh. Especially the first one.















I swear I'm doing this more often.

What Me and My Brother Talk About On the Phone(Guest starring Jasmine)

Me: I'm about to look at some baby onesies!
Terrell: I took a dump this morning.
Me: . . . Why did you need to tell me that?
Terrell: In the first floor bathroom. While I was making waffles.
**********************************************************

Me: That's my angry demon voice. RRRAAAARRGGH!
Terrell: It sounds like somebody burned you and it sting when you piss.
**********************************************************

Terrell: Yo, this girl Nita got a banging body, son.
Me: Then skeet on it.
Terrell: I don't have her number anymore.
Me: Damn! FAIL!
***********************************************************

Terrell: Yo, ******* mad at me, yo.
Me: Why do you keep talking about her?
Terrell: Because she so cute
Me: Angry baby face.
************************************************************

Jasmine: What are you doing?
Terrell: Listening to Drake.
Jasmine: Drake?
Me: Man, she don't know who Drake is.
Jasmine: Like Drake and Josh?
Me: Wow.
Terrell: She just went gay on me.
************************************************************

Terrell: Remember Britney that lived across the street from Eugene?
Me: Yeah?
Terrell: She like girls now.
Me: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATSHEADYKE!?
************************************************************

Terrell: Jasmine. I need a girlfriend.
Me: He says this, like, every month.
Jasmine: I'm bout to slap him.
************************************************************

Terrell: Jasmine, Eric won't write a blog about me.
Eric: No, this nigga wants me to write a biography about him and shit.
************************************************************
(Talking about Drake)

Jasmine: Do they taste good?
Terrell: What?
Jasmine: His nuts.
Eric: Aww, she carried you! You gonna let her carry you?
Terrell: Nah, I got her.
Jasmine: You didn't answer me.
Me: AAAWWWW! SHE STILL SLIDING YOU!
************************************************************

Me: Yo, I'm about to take a dump.
Terrell: I'ma get off the phone then.
Me: why you always gotta get OFF THE PHONE!?
************************************************************

Customer Satisfaction Survey

So, I have followers, which I am kinda still confused about, so I was wondering, what do you like about my blog?

Should I talk more about current events? More coverage of dumb shit?

Post more videos? Be more serious?

Randomness:




If I get less than 5 comments, I will be very Joe Jackson.

So, I Wanna Post A Bunch of Crap, So I'm Just Going to Cram Them into One Post

It's our two year anniversary.



Pour out some Cristal Juicy Juice for my unborn child.



Kanye's getting the cover of Complex again.



COPPED It's weird and Science Fictiony and awesome.

I want this shirt.



Not in my budget.

E-Rich and Malcolm Maximillion in the Lab

Yo, I totally have some blaxploitation sideburns right now.



Not cool.

Sperm-Friendly 2009*Not Safe for Women*

YOU CAN'T READ THIS IF YOU'RE MY MOTHER



Amber Rose a.k.a Kanye's New Broad


I have photoshop, but I didn't feel like using it.

She's bisexual and she's hot and apparently, her favorite thing to do is lick snatch. She's so awesome that I couldn't help but want to drip-drop spedackle on her face. Kanye, you lucky bastard.


Nicki Minaj



Oooh, she makes me feel dirty just looking at her. *shudder*

Michelle Obama



Yeah, I just did that.

Sarah Palin



Too bad she's a republican, but I'd still nail her like a carpenter. Her accent is sooooo hot. She can be the V.P. of my penis.

Britney Spears



She's had her little stint of insanity and unhotness, but with that "Womanizer" video, she's brought herself back to "nut on her forehead" status.

Christina Milian



You can't not think Christina Milian is hot. I'd aim my wad right for her face.

Keri Hilson



Super skeetable. The things I would do to her. Remember the "Pee on you" song Dave Chappelle did to make fun of R. Kelly? Imagine that with every instance of "pee" and "poop" replaced with "cum", "skeet" and "ejaculate". "Drip drip drip, skeet on you, I wanna skeet on you. I wanna cum in your food"

That was so wrong.



I'm missing some. Any help?


P.S. Get used to seeing that picture of my face a lot. I think it's awesome. It's going to be my version of that weird ass thing Illseed uses for his avatar.

In God (who I think is real) We Trust

Agnostic theism, also known as Spiritual Agnosticism is the philosophical view that encompasses both theism and agnosticism. Per theism, an agnostic theist believes that the proposition at least one deity exists is true, but, per agnosticism, believes that the existence of gods are unknown or inherently unknowable. The agnostic theist may also or alternatively be agnostic regarding the properties of the god(s) they believe in.

I guess that would be a good description of my beliefs as far as religion. I'm used to just saying "I don't have a religion", but then people think I'm an atheist, which is something you're used to living in Baltimore, which is full of black Christians. If you say anything besides "Jesus is awesome", you're labeled a heathen. Understandable.

I started to fall out of Christian beliefs when I was around 16. I started thinking too much and shit and eventually realized Christianity wasn't the greatest religion ever. I was sitting on a bus stop listening to this old lady talking to this broad about Christianity and how Judgment Day is coming and God is going to wipe all of the heathens(meaning anyone who's not a Christian), homosexuals and sinners off the face of the earth.

That's all good and well, but it's just the smugness of Christians that gets to me. I mean, you think it's weird for people to believe in Buddhism and shit, but it's not weird to believe in a guy that died and is now living in heaven and playing as the middle man between us and God. Kinda rude, don't you think? There's a verse or something saying "If you deny me before man, I deny you before my father". What kind of bullshit is that? So if I'm a good person, but I don't want to be best friends with Jesus, he can be like "I don't want him up here because I don't like him"? The bible's stories have to many plotholes in them that I'd rather not argue about.

Religion is an extremely sensitive topic, being that wars are fought over it. My teacher in West African History said "Christianity was silly" and a girl in my class argued with him and then ran out crying and never came back. I try not to question Christianity out loud too much because then people want to set you straight. I'm not saying I hate Jesus or I think Christianity is stupid, it's just not parallel to how I see the world, you know? One of my best friends is an ordained minister and I don't feel like hearing a lecture about the greatness of the father, the son and the holy ghost. I'll leave all the arguing shit for atheists.

By the way, I don't like atheists. Atheists believe that people don't like them because they don't believe in God. That's not it. It's that these fuckers are so arrogant about the fact they don't believe in God, you'd think they had proof that he didn't exist. They ridicule religious and spiritual people for their beliefs, but don't have a good defense for their own. If you ask an atheist "How do you know God doesn't exist?", they'd most likely respond "There is no proof of his existence." So, where's the proof of his non-existence? They don't fucking know. So instead of talking about awesome you are and how dumb Christians are, they could perhaps work on, I don't know, shutting the fuck up.

Okay, no more religion talk. I want to talk about funny shit.

I Couldn't Be Less Confused

Wait, what?

I supply you with this website of "What the fuckery".

Picture is Unrelated

Reasons I'm Embarrassed of Baltimore

Bucketheads

Oh my God, how I loathe thee. Walking down the street with four or five brightly colored bracelets on each arm, a lime green tutu and yellow spandex. What men see in you, I couldn't possibly understand, but fortunately my taste in women doesn't reside in such colorblind creatures.

Sitting in the back of the bus with Nay-Nay and Larishaqueshanaekown yelling "FUCK YOU, BITCH" and talking about how big Jakwonalonathon's penis is. My child will be attending county school to avoid your tomfoolery.



<FUCKING BUS

Goddamn MTA bus. You're rarely on time and the denizens of your bus make me consider walking to my destination rather than waiting two hours for a bus that can get me down the street.

Your bus drivers are as effective at enforcing rules as school teachers. If someone lights a cigarette on your bus, you don't give a shit. Matter of fact, you wouldn't stop your bus unless some pickaninnies are having a battle in the back, but by then one of them have probably already pulled out a gun and killed us.



Gangs

This is an annoyance that's starting to become less prominent due to Sheila Dixon telling the knockers "Eat what you want", but it became a pain in the ass. The bloods and crips in Baltimore now don't really do shit except jump people that aren't in gangs and yell out gang jargon to passing buses.

What happened to the good old days? Not that those days were good (Baltimore is actually safer now than it was, say, 20 years ago), but I remember when dudes were repping neighborhoods and shit rather than colors. Baltimore & Hilton, Edmondson Village, Edmonson Ave, Irvington and all that shit. Fortunately from me, I was from neighborhoods no one cared about, so I didn't get jumped. . . Well, once, but that was in middle school and it was random as shit.



I could think of more, but not right now. I guess this is a part 1.

A Vagina With A Mullet

- Some dudes from Morgan University made a Morgan version of "Brooklyn Girls". You should check it out because they're from Baltimore. Wait. . .

- You probably don't know what "Brooklyn Girls" is.

- Why is it that when George Bush signed a stimulus bill, niggas was like "Whatever. Money. Yay." but soon as Obama signs one, stimulus is the hot new phrase. I saw a poster for a restaurant that said "Seafood Stimulus" for a special selling lobster for 19.99. There's also a lot of rapper's comparing themselves to a stimulus.

- Before this, people would've thought a stimulus was a shot they gave to cure erectile dysfunction.

- I said I would stop talking about Chris Brown and Robyn Fendi, like, a week ago, but apparently they got pictures of Chris Brown having fun and shit. I mean, he shouldn't be? You expect wife beaters to stop having fun when they beat a wife?

- I really hate people that wear t-shirts with rock band logos and don't listen to rock. That shit is, like, really annoying.

- "Hey, you listen to AC/DC" "What? That's not a clothing line?"

- Random fact about my girlfriend: She hates Nicholas Cage really bad. She thinks he's the worst actor ever. Since the Knowing is coming out, he's been making the rounds promoting it, so she doesn't even watch T.V. anymore.

- Okay, I over exaggerated.

- I'm trying to do a "What Me and My Brother Talk About on the Phone" again, but Terrell's too busy with bucketheads to stay on the phone long enough.

- I hate that bucketheads know how to do html and change their font color and shit, but they still type "LiiKe Diis". They seriously replace i's and y's with two i's. That shit it like a phenomenon.

- I'm sorry if I offended any bucketheads.

- If I didn't say already, it's a boy. With a penis.

- Honestly, I'm starting to not like Wale. He's starting to say stuff I'd expect from a D.C. person.

- "What if I made a 'kiss me through the phone' remix?"

- "Why everybody ganging up on Soulja Boy? Rakim and Big Daddy Kanye didn't attack Fresh Prince for making fun music."

- For anyone not from Maryland, all of the lame black people are situated in D.C. and P.G. County.

- In all honesty, we have hella clowns, dipshits and lames here in Baltimore, but in D.C. and P.G. they're lame in a "Harlem" kinda way.

- They wear skinny jeans and sag them down to their knees and say "lunchin" and "loafin"

- I might get shot for my views one day.

- That'll mean I did something right.

So Bad It's Funny - The Youtube videos

I subscribed to her because her videos are hilarious, but she deleted most of the good ones. She, I believe, thinks she is seductive with her dance moves, which is wrong because I'm not aroused at all. Not even a tingle. Here's a comment from one of her videos:

I would suck on dat asshole shawty you fine as fuck. Fuck wut deez bitches talking 'bout

Ew.



She's sooooooo bad. I wish she had her old videos. They were really bad. Like, it's like someone sweded another booty shaking video on youtube. Sweded. That's from Be Kind Rewind. Watch that.

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

I just rediscovered this webcomic looking at my other favorite webcomic and I'm upset that I haven't read it in so long. It's, like, bizarre, weird jokes for smart, weird people. Like myself.

Shit I Hate

Jimmy Fallon



HE'S NOT FUCKING FUNNY! HE'S NOT FUNNY! IF YOU THINK HE'S FUNNY, YOU DESERVE TO DIE A SLOW, PAINFUL BLOODY DEATH! I swear to God if I see a clip of him on Saturday Night Live and he looks at the camera and laughs one more time, I'm going to find my way to the Late Night show and kill him. WHY WOULD THEY LET HIM HOST THE LATE NIGHT SHOW AFTER CONAN O' BRIEN!? That's like Yung Berg coming out with a mixtape called "So Far Gone" after Drake. It's so not the same. The Roots band can't help him and I am labeling them sell-outs for getting on a show with this assclown. JESUS CHRIST!

Bluetooth Headsets




I don't hate bluetooth headsets as much as I hate the people who use them. This thing was invented to help make life easier. For example, it's unsafe to drive and talk on the phone at the same time. BAM put your headset in and both hands are free. Perhaps you were having a conversation and you have to lift something or you're doing something that involves both hands. Pop your headset in and go about your day.

But no, being that humankind, especially Americans, are obnoxious douchebags, they decide to accept the bluetooth headset as a sort of status symbol. I hate seeing assholes walking down the street talking to themselves and I'm like "WTF is wrong with this cocksprain?" and they turn to the side and I see a bluetooth headset. Maybe I'm pissed because I'm entertained by the idea of a crazy person then just find out that they're on the phone, but this would be avoided if you just held your phone up to your ear like everyone else. No one thinks you're cool or that you're rich we just think you're an assface.

Swag



My definition of swag:

"To dress in bright colors and other shit that people don't usually wear and when people get on you for your style, you say that they are 'wack' and they are 'haters'".

Like, really, there's no such thing as a swag. Swag doesn't exist. It's the Lil Wayne effect. Lil Wayne constantly called himself the best rapper alive to the point that 95% of his dick riders believe this to be true. Now when you go around saying you have swag, then people might start to believe you.

This phrase--"swag"-- has caused me to use the phrase "swagga on a hundred thousand trillion" that was first said by Kanye West in the song "Swagga Like Us". When I use this phrase, however, I use it for someone that is dressing in a very humorous and abnormal way and I mock the fact that they chose to wear that outfit out of their house by saying "Yo swag on a hundred thousand trillion".

So if I say that about you, it's not a compliment, but you should take it as such to avoid a verbal assault.

Intermission

more animals

Why I Might Not Be Posting That Much

This is me now.