Oh, Shit. Let Me Call You Back. There's a Hamburger in my Pocket

- I'm looking at the video for "You're a Jerk". Yo, that shit is so sad.

- These niggas buy women's jeans from Hot Topic.

- Checkered blue and black squares? Zebra Print?

- Is this better or worse than what Spectacular did.

- Speaking of which, a lot of women are flipping shits about how everyone's making a big deal out of whether he's gay or not and it's 2009 and people need to grow up.

- I can't speak for everyone else, but I don't care if he's gay. I just want him to come out the closet. If he just says "Alright, I love the feel of man ass on my cock", everyone will leave him alone and forget about him like Lance Bass.

- Please don't let this Jerkin shit catch on in Baltimore.

- The youth in Baltimore are so weak-minded. Look at the boost in gang members.

- It's Lil Wayne's fault.

- I want to do a post about sex, but I can't think of more topics.

- Oh, look, a new PSP.

- Will I buy it?

- I need more consumer penis stroking before I consider it. Consider me aroused though.

- I shouldn't have to pause that metaphor. I'm talking about a video game system without a gender.

- Fuck you.

- Advice Dog says:

"I'm going to go LP LP --> LK HP some pussy, if you know what I mean"

- Non-Street Fighter fans need not apply.

- So, they're making a DJ Hero game if you didn't hear about it.

- It has Daft Punk.

-

- I also saw this picture, where-in-which I have (Is that how you type it? Where-in-which?) put a red circle on the important thing.

-

-

- I was reading Texts From Last Night when I saw this:

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

- She should probably go to the hospital. Then again, I've never had my vagina ripped, so I wouldn't know how one goes about dealing with that.

- Some guy in the comments proceeded to say it was fake because women never talk like that.

- There is no faster way to announce that you don't get any poontang than to say some shit like that.

- Every woman I know is just as disgusing as a man, if not more so.

-

- Talking to those four is like talking to guys, except from a perspective on the other side of the penis.

- I'm not giving names, because some of you dudes are weird.

- The third one has a Hugh Jazz.

-

- (617): Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased

- That's from Texts from Last Night, too. I thought that was funny.

- Advice Dog says:

This is Getting Really Fucking Old

Look, check this out. I'm starting to get annoyed with the multitude of dipshits, retards and D.E.C. students who are saying that Lil Wayne is, in fact, the best rapper alive.

First off, let me explain to you assclowns the difference between facts and opinions.

Fact (n.) - An objective consensus on a fundamental reality that has been agreed upon by a substantial number of people.

Opinion (n.) - A thought that a person has formed about a topic or issue.

Let me give you an example:

Opinion - "Lil Wayne is the best rapper alive!"

Fact - "No one that says 'I'm rare like Mr. Clean with hair' can be the best rapper alive."

It confounds me painfully that Lil Wayne dickriders are the main ones that want to argue about Lil Wayne's relevance in hip-hop, yet they can't formulate a good argument. I'm a logical person. If I can find "logic" on facebook, I'd become a fan of it. If you can give me an actual good argument on why something is so, I may respect you as a person. Here's a list of illogical things that Lil Wayne's cockjockers use when arguing about how good he is:

1. His sales and marketing ability. This has nothing to do with how good he is as a rapper. Let me extend this. People tend to say shit like "Well, he sells well so apparently he's good". No. It is a fact that humans make stupid choices. One of the stupid choices that a lot of people make is their music. Just because a dude sells one million copies doesn't mean that he's good. Just because someone only sells 50,000 copies doesn't meant that they're bad. Especially not in the age of free downloads. Not to take anything away from Dwayne Carter, but a platinum plaque doesn't mean you're great. Especially when most of your fans are teenage girls that religiously watch Super Sweet Sixteen and The Hills and teenage internet thugs and wiggas who threaten to shoot people on youtube.

2. How many "haters" he has. That is just fucking stupid. Fuck you if you actually use this.

3. Him saying he's the best rapper alive.

A lot of you weak minded fools decided he must be the best rapper alive if he says it three times a song. I say you go kill yourself.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't hate him. I rarely bring him up in conversation since I don't really pay attention to people that say "I'm fly go hard like geese erection". However, I feel that Lil Wayne's massive amount of sackhangers are the scum of the earth, down there with the Ku Klux Klan and people that think "monkeys" is actually "monkies".

I, fortunately, don't have haters since I'm a likable person, but if anyone feels the need to defend Lil Wayne, I'll do it for them.

"Wut iisz u takken boWt ll wain iiz duh bess n u juz a hater (they always spell hater right) u nEeD 2 qit off hiz diick. u ned 2 qet a lif bcuz u will neva m4k3 az much m0ni3z as he doo"

After you read this, can you please link any Lil Wayne dickrider you know to this? We need a widespread dumbass intervention.

EDIT:

I feel I need to elaborate more as not offend the wrong people. I only seek to offend the right people. I don't dislike people that are Lil Wayne fans or love Lil Wayne's music. I may think less of you, but I don't despise you. However, there are the motherfuckers that are like overzealous Christians. You could be talking about football and then someone will say "Lil Wayne said this hard ass line about football. You listen to Lil Wayne?" Then they proceed to gloat about how great Lil Wayne is and how everyone should listen to him.

My little brother Terrell likes Soulja Boy. I don't care, as long as he isn't telling me to listen to Soulja Boy because he's nicer than everyone I like. This is something that Lil Wayne dookiechasers do.

This must be the opposite of knowing how to fight.

0:03 - Head kick fail.

0:05 - Oh, shit! He went for the fake out.

0:07 - 0:10 - Did this nigga just do some "Ka-razy" to confuse him and then try to hit him with a surprise back kick?

0:11 - Wow, he almost got Briana Latrise'd. I don't like how that felt to type. I think it's getting old already.

0:14 - The guy with the plethora of hair almost caught him again.

0:18 - Man, the dude in the tight jeans is making the guy in the black look like Mirko Cro Cop the way he going for those kicks.

0:24 - I guess he's picking up his dignity after that "Ka-razy" demonstration didn't work.

0:33 - Did anyone give him the memo that you can't talk people out of a fight after they already tried to decapitate you?

0:42 - Oh, yeah, try to kick him in the berries. That's hella manly.

That looked like some shit off of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Thanks a lot Play Cloths blog guy.

Tears for Sears

- A lady came in last week. Old girl had a layaway. So, we're looking for the layaway and it turns out we can't find it. The lady asks and I tell her "We're having trouble finding it, but we'll have your merchandise in a matter of minutes". So, the lady replies "I'm in a hurry! I have a relative dying of cancer that I have to take to a doctor's appointment at 9:30!" It's 9:18 AM. Now, I would've felt bad, but why the fuck are you picking up a raincoat from Sears if your family member's doctor's appointment is so important? Long story short, she got mad and left and we found her raincoat 2 minutes after she caught wheels.

- This couple, the Goldstroms, comes in. They want to pick up an assembled grill. At this point, we've had forty billion pick-ups for assembled grills. The male says "We don't know if it's here for sure, but we just wanted to check." I look in the back at the grills waiting for customer pick-up and none of them say Goldstrom. I go back out and tell these people "Sorry, we don't see your grill. It may not have come in yet." The male says "Okay" and walks into the store. (From MPU((Merchandise Pick-Up)), you can go directly into the Sears through a hallway) I'm chilling, thinking nothing of it, when Kevin comes to MPU looking perturbed. Now, Kevin is one of the managers for Tools. People get me and him confused a lot being that we're both short, black and stocky.

Well, he's all like "So Goldstrom told me you said that their grill wasn't in." I reply "I didn't see a Goldstrom." He then proceeds to explain how I could have gotten a pre-assembled grill of the same item number. At this fucking point, I didn't want to deal with one more motherfucking retard customer who came to pick up a big, stupid ass grill in a goddamn, ugly ass SUV. It wouldn't fit. So, I end up having to give them a grill anyway and lo and behold, I had to help the motherfucker unscrew a piece of so it would fit in his dipshit, ass-licking SUV.

- Some asshole comes in to pick up an assembled grill. Whatever. We bring him his grill and this douchebag is examining it and notices that the grill is fucked up.

It's not.

There was an area of scratched off paint about the size of a thumbnail in the corner where the grill closes down. Now, see, this area would end up getting scratched anyway due to opening and closing the fucking grill. He's also pissed because the door on the bottom only closes 98.4 percent of the FUCKING way. So, he asks, "do you have any other grills?" I say "I think we have one more". I go in the back to grab this nigga another grill and our LP(Loss Prevention) guy walks him in the back to the room with all the grills. I'm not going to put any vulgar expletives in front of his name because he apologized for it afterwards.

Long story short, the asshole looked at every grill and then decided that he didn't want a grill and returned it.

- Remember Perry? Yeah, me too. Well, let me get this one out of the way first. Now, a co-worker told me that she saw Perry downtown with . . . Jim(he's notoriously gay if you didn't read the post I linked to). She said they were hugged up on the lightrail. Not cool.

- Well, when Perry got fired, he ended up wrestling with the cop that was escorting him out. This nigga called me like two or three weeks ago leaving a voicemail asking if I could be a witness for him in court. Yo, I wasn't even there.

- Know what I hate about Sears customers right now? These motherfuckers will scan the receipt to pick-up their items and then leave immediately to get their cars. I come out ten seconds later and no one is there. That shit is getting on my nerves. The fucking machine says "Please bring your vehicle to pick-up before scanning your receipt for a quicker transaction". How hard is that?

Your Rhymes are Called the Vagina Monologues

- That was an old Nas line. It was in a song where he was reading his old rap books. Can't remember the name.

- How the fuck did I get 52 followers? I went to sleep with like 36.

- I'm 16-1 at UFC Undisputed online. I'm going to be honest: 85 percent of the niggas I fought were terrible. The rest were half my power level. Bitches don't know about my ground and pound.

- Still getting ready for our baby shower. Jasmine would argue that I'm not doing anything. Well, she can suck a fat one.

- Yo, stop telling me get Charles Hamilton. I doubt dude even reads my blog, so chances are he isn't going to listen to shit I have to say. Besides, I don't even find it that bad that a broad crowned him. I find it bad he had a stuffed Pink Panther on his arm. WHERE DEY DO DAT AT!?

- I don't even know what that means.

- So much dumb shit happens at my job that I'm going to give that topic it's own post.

-

- Meh, close enough.

- I had an interesting Friday. I went to a diner called Cafe Hon with the mother of my child. I had this sandwich called a Big Bay Club that was a crabcake, shrimp salad, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. That shit was delicious. Orgasmic, even.

- We also saw a tranny on the bus. This wasn't your average tranny. I know when most people think of he-she's they think of Wesley Snipes and John Leguizamo in To Wong Fu. This was not that. He had a man's face with woman hair. He had breasts. Not huge breasts, but breast enough to be feminine titties. Unfortunately, his pot belly stuck out beyond them. The guy had on a skirt. His legs were unshaven. They were reminscent of how your finger would look if you slid it under your couch and then looked at it. I did not see this because I did not bother to look hard enough, but Jasmine claimed that she could see his dick through his skirt.

- I'm sorry. . . I'm feeling nauseous.

- I also got good footage of a junkie doing the infamous "Lexington Market Lean" on my cell phone. She was dropping down and getting her eagle on.

- Shendiggity, me and Malcolm have to show you Lexington Market.

- I'm reading this thing about Hons on wikipedia. What the fuck is wrong with pronouncing "Baltimore" "Baldimore"? That shit is way too proper.

- When my mom says "fired" she says "farred".

- She's going to tell me to take that off.

- This is my blog!



- You know what pisses me off? Megahomophobic rappers. Like, that's not even the whole problem. Let me get to the point:

- How the fuck do you talk about rappers being undercover fags and talk about Kanye and Charles Hamilton but not mention the Knux?

-

- Nigga on the right. He looks mad Luther Vandross.

- I've usually been one to oppose the term "dress gay" because there are such things as homo thugs, but those niggas really dress like they pound butt.

- You "Noah's Arc" watching ass niggas.

- My mom loves that show.

- Advice Dog says:

Eric <3's Hip-Hop 2

- So Charles Hamilton took another L after the video of his assistant Briana Latrise, stepdaughter of Mary J. Blige, gave him a mean right to the face. Although they reconciled immediately after, this is still a bad look. In my opinion, getting punched in the face by a female isn't that bad. It's the damn Pink Panther that was on his arm. Whether they had that little rap battle and he got Chuck Liddell'd or not, the video still probably would've circulated with the doll on his arm. He just wouldn't have been a trending topic on twitter.

I'd just like to say, I don't understand why a bunch of dudes come out of nowhere talking about they would've beat her up. Two months ago, niggas were talking about how much of a bitch Chris Brown is for hitting Rihanna. Apparently, if a female gives you a humiliating mollywhop, it's okay to hit females. Let's be realistic, most of these niggas being e-thugs probably caught a jab from a man and just walked away. At least Charles Hamilton didn't hit her back.

- I see now that Drake is gaining momentum, a lot of people are (I hate this word) hating on him. It's true. I don't fuck with his music like that, but he's doing something right. It trips me out how if a rapper has hella female fans, all of a sudden you're a fag for listening to him. I mean, come on. If I could rap like I want and have 80 percent of my fans rocking pussies, then I'd go for it. I like vaginas.

- I don't know who Dolla is. Nor do I care.

- Chris Brown opening for Michael Jackson? I mean, they're both practically criminals.

- Yo, I saw a picture of Rihanna. Her hair looked like Kazuya Mishima's.

- Check out Theo Martins x $port's track "Checkin' In"

- Also, my homeboy Malcolm Maximillion put out his track over "You Don't Know My Name" here.

- Look, don't complain about bad music after I just gave you some gems.

The Road Virus Heads North

- A 5 day weekend. So awesome.

- The only thing sitting between me and UFC Undisputed is Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

- Yo, I have a co-worker that's annoying the fuck out of me. Like, you know that guy who's also goofy and a serious clown? When I say clown I don't mean like an asshole or a bitch ass nigga, I mean in the literal sense. This nigga be just doing dumb shit and using onomatopoeias and and other clown shit.

- He straight started imposing on me that we would be lightrail buddies. Like "Yo, Eric! Wait for me after work, yo!"

- B, you'll never see a Jamaican track runner get out of there like I got out of there.

- Then when I see him, I'll just be like "Oh, damn, I forgot! I was trying to catch the lightrail."

- He's not a bad dude, just. . . a clown.

- Stephen King is the best writer ever.

- This story, "Lunch at the Gotham Cafe" or some shit is wild. "YOU BOINKER!".

- Pregnant sex is awesome.

- Charles Hamilton is starting to freak me out. He wants us to believe he's dating Rihanna, he has a talking Pink Panther doll and he might be signed to Shady records. At the same time. I'm thoroughly confused.

- Courage Wolf says:

Beat a Bus Driver

Okay, so the bus driver story:

So, me and Jasmine were getting off of the lightrail and we were coming up the street. There were two buses at a red light and the bus we were supposed to get in was behind the first one. I walk up to the bus and the nigga driving the bus looks straight at me for three seconds and then pulls off when the light turns green, passing Jasmine, too. I'm like "Oh, shit, word?" It could have ended there, but unfortunately for that bitch I'm a fucking man.

So I ran up the street to the bus where it was stopped at another red light and people were getting on the bus. I purposefully made myself to last one to get on and when it was my turn, I held the doors open. I saw the surprise in his face and he knew he was in for trouble that he could have avoided if he wasn't a fucking whore. The conversation goes something like this:

Me: Can you wait a few seconds for my pregnant girlfriend to come up the street?
Pussy Ass Fuck Nigga: No, I run on a tight schedule.
Me: My girlfriend is pregnant. We need to catch this bus.
PAFN: Another bus will come in 10 minutes, sir. I need you to move from between the doors.
Me: 10 minutes!? Yo, I just want my girlfriend to make this bus.
PAFN: These people would be upset if they have to wait.
Me: (Looking at all the people on the bus) Would you mind waiting a little more for my pregnant girlfriend to get to the bus?
Everyone: (Shakes head no)
Me: See! They don't care.
PAFN: (Looking away from me) If I miss this light. . . (light turns red and he sucks his teeth like a bitch)

At this point, Jasmine gets on the bus. Jasmine asks me what happened and I told her "This nigga was acting like a fucking bitch." Jasmine replies "Don't say that so loud" and I said "Fuck him. As I was saying, he was whining like a female. . ." This fagamuffin then proceeds to get out of the driver seat and I was so deafened by fury that all I heard was "BLAH BLAH BLAH running your fucking mouth BLAH"

Now, I could've jumped up and turned into Rampage Jackson, but I thought about it:

1. If I fought this nigga on the bus, I would undoubtedly be arrested. What good would that do for my child and woman?
2. The people that just so graciously said they wouldn't mind waiting for my girlfriend would be lacking a bus driver because I was gonna knock this nigga's eye out of his face.
3. That would defeat the purpose of me running up the fucking street to catch it.

So I said "For the sake of her(pointing to Jasmine) and my child, I'm gonna leave it alone." We then had a quiet bus ride although this asshole drove recklessly and ran a red light and me and Jasmine got home.

The following morning, I filed a complaint because I feel like such an asshole doesn't deserve a job where he interacts with human beings. Call it snitching if you want, suck a fat one. I told the woman the whole story and she says that me holding the door on his bus was disrespectful. She decided to battle my argument with a horrible analogy stating "You holding his bus door was like if someone tried to come in your house when you told them no". I stated that my house isn't a "service to the community". This cunt also said "If the argument was that bad, why didn't he pull off". It seems she was suggesting that he should've drove off instead of waiting for my girlfriend, which also pissed me off. She says she wasn't taking his side, but I should take his emotions into consideration. As far as I'm concerned, that motherfucker doesn't have emotions. He's less than an animal to me.

I pray that he sees me on the street and remembers me and decides that he wants to think he's Jesus again, because I won't have to be so considerate to witnesses at that point. Unless Jasmine's with me.

Me Stalling Until I Do an Actual Blog Post

Brought to you by Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

Sorry, I Thought I Was a Lizard Earlier

- I should be sleep, but let's be honest, I hate math and I doubt my grade for that class is going to be awesome.

- With a baby on the way, I need to get on my shit, though.

- No, seriously. I'm going to have to start doing homework with the baby on my lap and if he throws up on it, he goes in the box.

- That was a joke.

- Probably.

- I've realized that since Jasmine and Mini-me will be staying at my house for his first week of breathing air, mad people are going to come try to see my child.

- I don't know if I'm going to have to make a list or what, but motherfuckers ain't going to be breathing their H1N1 breath all on my son.

- I need to start stocking up on pocket hand sanitizers.

- And certain people need to be checked about shit that won't be allowed around my baby, such as cigarette smoke and being dirty.

- I'm not being funny.

- But this is funny:

atlantabrotha: @SBnewnie how can you receive head and you are a female that makes no sense.
atlantabrotha: @SBnewnie maybe cause I'm straight I don't know about any of that lezbo stuff and don't wanna know about it cause it's wrong.
SBnewnie: @atlantabrotha i am str8.. like wht dnt yu understand?? i like gettin head.. females get head.. its 2009.. niggas is DOME'n off religiously(lol@religiously)
@SBnewnie oh I gotcha you like your pussy ate oh ok I was a lil confused for a minute my bad.

- I'm trying really hard not to generalize people from Atlanta and make jokes about how dumb people from the south are, I have family down there.

- UFC game? Piff.

- My girlfriend actually got me watching Ultimate Fighting Championship. Isn't that a bitch?

- Not Jasmine. She's not a bitch.

- Seriously, I'm purchasing that game. I was going to get Fight Night, but I think I'm gonna go with mixed martial arts on this one.

- My mom isn't home and I have no stupid leaves. TeH GEYzorz.

- I mean, come on, you know something went wrong during puberty when you only think lesbians get ate out.

-

- Yoooooooooooooo, I got a son.

Snurshdurgeshdir

- They completely unblocked blogger on the Sears blocky shit. YA-HA.

- So, right, me and Jasmine saw this very, very, painfully hideous woman on Saturday. So ugly, in fact, that we had to make up a word for her:

Snurshdurgeshdir

From this point forth, Snurshdurgeshdir is a phrase to be used for someone's who's facial deficiencies are otherwordly. On a scale of 1 to 10, this title represents the negatives. A blind man could see how ugly this person is. When you say it, make sure you say it in the ugliest way you can possibly muster.

- I want to get on Lookbook.nu, but unfortunately, 75 percent of my wardrobe consists of jeans and t-shirts. Why can't you just admire how great my t-shirts are and not whether I can make a pair of Doc Martens work with a lime green cardigan?

- Baby mode is in full effect. We're planning the baby shower and are about to go get our gift registry Thursday.

- I need to plan on spending a night at my cousin Brandon's house. Brandon is my favorite cousin and I can be mega nerdy around him. This Eric you see, now? This is only half of my nerd power. When me and Brandon are around each other, I'm talking pocket protectors and pushing your glasses up nerdy.

- I'm considering making another blog, but what would it be about? Clothes? Video games? Women? I don't know.

- If I ever make a mixtape/album, I'm getting DJ Imp to hook me up with some beats. He knows my little ho brother. I also decided my rap name would be Wade Wilson. Google it. No, it's not named after the football player.

- So, I just did a pick-up for an older Asian couple and my co-worker said they had an exchange that went something like this:

Co-worker: "Do you have a car?"
Gentleman: "Yes. Do I pull it around?"
Co-Worker: "Yes"
Gentleman: "So I pull up here?"
Co-Worker: "Yes"
Gentleman: "In here?"
Co-Worker: "No, you can't drive the car into the store lol"

- Also, do me a favor and download the Cool Kids new mixtape Gone Fishin. That shit is a bang-aah.

"Pull. . . "

You ever seen in those movies where there's always a rich guy with a big ass backyard that shoots plates? Like, he'll say "pull" and someone will launch a plate in the air and the guy will shoot it out of the sky? Well, in a collaboration with Mr. Heartbreak, he sent me these pictures and I am given the task of insulting these poor people. I would like to feel sympathy, but really. Really!




I'm paralyzed because I don't know exactly how to attack these fellows. I mean, what the fuck could you possibly thinking? Like, I know you think you look nice in women's clothes because you like dick or whatever, but do you ever think "Hey, maybe I shouldn't wear this out of the house. Someone might post this on the internet and wish death on me." What the fuck is that pattern on the purple guy? Are those supposed to be hearts? I'm sorry, I can't look at this anymore. The homo level is fatal.




I don't know if Bon'Quiquiquikatrice thought it would be classy to just wear body-paint, but she's wrong. Awfully wrong. First off, her whole body isn't painted. I don't know if the nigga/niggaette that did it just got lazy like "Fuck it. You look good girl!" or if she really thought this would be awesome. And why is this scunt on the "red carpet" with a Heineken bottle and a pack of Newports?




Ah, the Burberry Behemoth. I saw her on Hot Ghetto Mess already. Believe it or not, I think the dude looks worse. This asshat got on a zoot suit on some Tom & Jerry type shit.




Oh, come on. The one on the left looks like a cyborg. They both look like gold digging vampires. They'll suck anything for some money.




I could be offended by her dress, but I saw some of those at my prom. I'm more offended that I though the nigga next to her was headless until I studied the picture. Everyone knows that people that black do not wear white. He looks like Mr. Game and Watch.